Repost - WWF Royal Rumble 96

Fucking hell, how many of these did I do before I actually introduced snowflakes and formatting? More than I remember it seems.

The Furious Flashbacks – Royal Rumble 1996

Back in 1996 the WWF had 4 big stars – Bret Hart, the WWF champion, The Undertaker, here the challenger, Diesel, the former WWF champion and Shawn Michaels who is coming back from a career threatening head injury. Who will have the big night tonight? Stay tuned.

This PPV will be graded on the Furious Grading Scale. FGS grades are as follows –

A One of the greatest matches anywhere, ever.
A- Damn near perfect
B+ Excellent
B Very Good
B- Good
C+ Average
C Mediocre
C- Bad
D Terrible
F Hulk Hogan
U or Ungraded = Hacksaw Jim Duggan v Ultimate Warrior v Goldberg in a submissions only Ironman match. My worst nightmare.

On commentary we have Vince McMahon and Mr Perfect right here in Fresno, California. The WWF doesn’t go to Fresno for big events anymore because they’re bigger than that.

Free for All – Triple H v Duke “The Dumpster” Droese

The winner of this match is number 30 in the Royal Rumble but the loser of the match will be the number 1 in the Royal Rumble. Triple H cuts a quick promo in his blue blood gimmick but breaks kayfabe somewhat with the quote “tell the fat lady she’s on in 5”. Triple H is undefeated coming into this match. Duke starts with a snap suplex and a monkey flip from the big man. Triple H utilises the European uppercut. Duke misses a tackle into the corner and injures own arm. Triple H uses the arm bar takedown a couple of times. 2 minutes in and Triple H is working the body part. What a star. Knees to the shoulder joint and a couple of arm ringers. Duke tries to make a comeback but Trips drives his knee into the shoulder once again. Duke gets back in charge and uses back drops and hip tosses. Basic big man offence that Nash could only dream about doing. Big powerslam on the future game. Trips gets out of the “trash compactor”. Yes, his gimmick was that bad. Trips uses brass knucks and decks Droese for the 3 count at 6.31. Gorilla Monsoon comes out and points out that he saw the knucks and Trips is DQ’d. He’ll be coming in at number one. Match rating – C+. Trips dragged a decent match out of the Dumpster on a free match.

Still in the free for all and Shawn Michaels comes out to talk to the fans because he’s the ‘outside bet’ for the Rumble. Well that pretty much guarantees his win. Michaels is so over with the ladies it’s amazing. Shawn talks about his injury and now he’s back, blah, blah, blah.

Jeff Jarrett v Ahmed Johnson

Jarrett wisely bails on Ahmed in the early going. I say wisely because Ahmed cripples everyone he faces. Jeff fails on a hip toss attempt but Ahmed gets him over easily. Ahmed throws Jarrett across the ring in a somewhat careless move. Ahmed follows up with a big clothesline and a shoulder tackle. Ahmed reminds me of Goldberg = all power and no skill. Jarrett ducks an Ahmed charge and Ahmed nearly beheads himself on the bottom rope on his way to the floor. Moron. I forgot that Ahmed starting selling like Tatanka in this match. Ahmed goes to the bearhug and hits another sloppy clothesline. Ahmed with a big spinebuster which actually looked quite well executed. Jarrett bails and Ahmed jumps over the ropes to wipe out Jarrett and nearly kills himself. Ahmed misses a legdrop from the top and Jarrett slaps on a figure 4. Ahmed, of course, reverses it. Jarrett goes to work on the knee that Ahmed injured himself much like Trips did with the shoulder in the free for all match. Jarrett has had enough of Ahmed’s crappy selling though so he fetches his acoustic equaliser and blasts Ahmed square in the head with it. Match time – 6.40 and Ahmed wins on DQ. Match rating – C- and I’m being generous. Ahmed sucks.

Backstage Diesel is interviewed about the WWF’s newest signee Vader. I forgot Vader was making his debut tonight. Diesel claims he’s winning the Rumble and it’s Diesel time.

Tag titles – Smoking Gunns (Billy + Bart) (c) v The Body Donnas (Skip + Zip) w/Sunny

The Body Donnas are fitness freaks and Skip is the horribly wasted Chris Candido. Sunny looks hot but the gimmick blows. Skip uses a headscissors takeover which confuses Billy so he resorts to a good old fashioned back body drop. Bart rope flips the Body Donnas over the ropes in an awesome spot and Billy jumps on them as to not be shown up. Sunny shows Bart a little leg on the outside to get Skip back into the right part of town. In the ring completely no sells Zip’s chops. Press slam from Bart. The Gunns tag and hit a Hart Attack on Skip. Sunny takes a bump off the apron to a massive pop because that sort of thing never used to happen. Billy goes to check on Sunny’s injury and he gets jumped by the Donnas because she was faking. Skip nails Billy with a pescado. Back in the ring Skip suplexes Zip onto Billy who’s still down from the beating on the floor. Zip gutwrench powerbombs Skip onto Billy in another cool double team move. Vince is beginning to annoy me because he calls everything a “manoeuvre”. The man doesn’t know any moves, why is he on commentary? Bart tags in and all 4 men are in. The cowboys hit their low effort offence. The Gunns hit their tag finisher (one man holds, the other hits a leg drop over the knee). Skip hits a splash on the pinning Bart and scores a two count despite not being legal. This referee sucks. The Donnas go for a big double suplex on Bart but Billy spears Skip down and both Gunns grab inside cradles for the win at 10.39. Match rating – C. A perfect demonstration of why the WWF tag division sucked around 1996. The better team – the Donnas got saddled with a gimmick that no one could possibly like.

IC title – Razor Ramon (c) v Goldust w/Marlena

Goldust is brand new and has gone after the macho Ramon in a bizarre queer attack. Goldust does all his gay stuff to psyche Razor out which the crowd doesn’t like. Razor slaps on an armbar and slaps Goldust around the head. Goldust does a standing switch and touches up the chest of Razor. Razor takes offence to another touchy gay thing and shoves Goldust over. Goldust shows his first signs of offence on 4 minutes with a stiff slap. Razor responds by slapping Goldust on the ass. If this match sounds gay it’s because it is. Goldust bails and hides behind Marlena. Goldust uses a few headlock takeovers but Razor gets out easy and punks out Goldust. Goldust bails and hides behind Marlena again. Goldust goes back inside and Razor clotheslines him out of the ring. Goldust hides behind Marlena again. Jesus, flog that dead horse. Goldust takes over on offence and assaults Razor’s spine with shots into the ring apron and then uses Irish whips to work over the back. Goldust hits a bulldog for a 2 count. Goldust uses the ropes to assist on a suplex and gets another 2. Marlena blows gold dust into Razor’s eyes and he’s blinded but he still fights back. Goldust goes to the sleeper. Razor hits a low blow and the ref (Timmy White) misses it. Vince’s commentary is getting worse. If he says “not withstanding” one more time I’ll have to kill the audio. Razor hits a chokeslam which gets him a two count. Fall away slam and another 2. Goldust climbs the ropes and Razor crotches him. Razor hits a superplex and in comes Marlena and she’s “twisted her ankle”. Sure she has. X-Pac does a run in and knocks Razor’s head off with a spinning heel kick. Goldust pins for the belt at 14.21. Match rating – D. Loads of stalling and gayness, although there was psychology it wasn’t fun to watch.

Backstage Barry Horowitz claims his odds at winning the rumble are 30-1. More like 1,000,000-1. Jake Roberts and his demons are back, Michaels talks about the dreams of a 12 year old boy and Vader growls a lot while Cornette talks about devastation.

The Rumble match

Triple H is out first thanks to his ‘loss’ to Droese earlier. No 2 is Henry O Godwinn renewing their feud from just a month ago. Trips takes a couple of Flair bumps but stays in. Godwinn gets Trips up in a press but can’t put him out. The clock is actually bang on this year, like no other, and Bob Backlund is in at no 3. No 4 is Jerry “The King” Lawler. King avoids fighting anyone and gets all the heels to pick on Godwinn. Godwinn grabs the slop bucket and everyone bails so Henry dumps the slop over the ropes onto all 3 of them. No 5 is Bob “Spark Plug” Holly. “Start your engines” – Vince. He is that bad.

No 6 is King Mabel and he must weight 550lbs at least. No 7 is Jake “The Snake” Roberts and his python. Jake unleashes the snake and Lawler gets the worst of it. Lawler disappears under the ring. Everyone gets back in. Hopefully that’s all the ring clearing crap done with. No 8 is Dory Funk Jnr. No one is out yet. No 9 is Yoko Zuna. He looks to be at least 600lbs. Yoko dumps Bob Backlund and then goes after the big man Mabel. Mabel squashes Henry Godwinn twice, ouch. No 10 is the 1-2-3 Kid but Razor Ramon is chasing him.

At some point Henry Godwinn got dumped but I missed it. No 11 is Omari. Triple H takes a Flair face first bump. No 12 is Savio Vega. Savio takes Mabel over with a spinning heel kick. Yoko dumps Mabel after Savio got him off balance. Good timing. Jake Roberts manages to keep himself in but puts out Omari at the same time. No 13 is Vader. It’s Vader time. Savio suplexes Dory Funk out in remarkable super slo-mo. No 14 is Doug Gilbert which is a bit of a surprise. Eddie was a better wrestler but at least he’s here. Vader dumps Jake with a shot in the middle of the ring. No 15 is one of the Squat team members. Another bad WWF tag team.

Vader with a vicious chokeslam on Doug Gilbert. 1-2-3 Kid and Trips are fighting. Vader dumps Doug Gilbert with ease and then dumps the Squat team guy. No 16 is the other Squat team member. The one that just got dumped comes back too. They pick a fight with Vader and he decks them both. Vader and Yoko dump one each. Triple H has now been in there for 30 minutes. No 17 is Owen Hart. Owen and Triple H double team Bob Holly. Vader and Yoko eye each other up. Savio gets squashed by Vader. Then Yoko drops a leg on him. Ouch. No 18 is Shawn Michaels and he’s clearly the crowd favourite. Vader dumps Savio. Michaels goes after 1-2-3 Kid and Triple H then goes after Owen. Vader and Yoko start wailing on each other in what could only be described as a slugfest. Shawn Michaels walks over and dumps both of them. Michaels press slams 1-2-3 Kid and dumps him too. No 19 is Hakushi. Vader and Yoko are still fighting outside the ring. Vader goes back in and beats the crap out of Michaels. Vader dumps Michaels but it doesn’t count apparently. Vader clears the ring but it all doesn’t count because he’s out. No 20 is Tatanka.

The ring is full of guys that can go and Owen, Shawn Michaels, Hakushi and Triple H get a chance to show off a few moves. Michaels and Triple H are still fighting. Owen dumps Hakushi with a cool move where he catches him in a kip up. No 21 is Aldo Montoya aka Justin Credible. Michaels bails to find Jerry Lawler. Michaels drags King out from under the ring. No 22 is Diesel but as he comes down Michaels dumps Lawler and Montoya is dumped also. Diesel dumps Tatanka. Diesel decks his “best friend” Michaels. Diesel saves Michaels from elimination at the hands of Trips. No 23 is Kama. No 24 is Steve Austin (as the Ringmaster). Austin dumps Holly after about 40 minutes out there. No 25 is Barry Horrowitz.

Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Owen Hart and Steve Austin are all out there. Very odd to see that. Diesel dumps Triple H after 48 minutes in there. Austin and Michaels are fighting. No 26 ‘Make a Difference’ Fatu (aka Rikishi). Owen and Shawn both nearly eliminate each other and no 27 is Isaac Yankem (aka Kane). Horowitz gets dumped by Owen Hart. Owen hits Shawn with an inziguri. That incidentally was the move that put Michaels on the shelf with a concussion a few months prior to this event. Good psychology. While watching a replay of that they miss Owen Hart getting eliminated by Shawn Michaels. No 28 is former Rocker Marty Jannetty. Michaels and Jannetty soon find each other and slug it out. No 29 is the British Bulldog. Bulldog goes after Michaels but ends up dumping Jannetty. Fatu dumps Austin and Vince also misses that. Fatu does his sell off the clothesline and Yankem dumps him. “It’s difficult to keep up with all of the action” – Vince. Take his fucking head set away. Now. No 30 is Duke Droese.

Michaels and Bulldog go through the ropes and fight on the floor. Owen Hart comes out and blindsides Michaels. Michaels drop kicks Isaac Yankem out. Kama and Diesel dump the Dumpster. We’re down to the final 4 in this match – Kama (aka the Godfather), Diesel (aka Kevin Nash), British Bulldog (aka Davey Boy Smith) and Shawn Michaels. Michaels outwits Bulldog and dumps him while Diesel dumps Kama. Diesel turns round into a superkick and Shawn Michaels takes the rumble and the Wrestlemania title shot at 58.48. Match rating – C+. The ring never really cleared out apart from once and that’s where all the best action happened – right after Vader got dumped.

WWF title – Bret Hart (c) v Undertaker

As Taker comes down he gets in a fight with Diesel who still hasn’t left. Taker had his face crushed by Yoko Zuna a few months ago so he’s wearing a mask. Taker absorbs all of Bret’s punches and throws him into the corner for a beating. Taker spends about 2 minutes with a claw of sorts on Bret. Taker hits the top rope walk of doom and goes back to that claw. Bret recovers and clotheslines Taker over the ropes and follows him with a pescado. Bret appears to be more over than Taker because he’s actually interesting. Bret jumps on Taker on the floor but Taker catches him and drives him spine first into the ring post. Taker goes to spike Bret into the post again but Bret wriggles out and Taker posts himself but turns around and big boots Bret as he follows in. Taker takes Bret’s head to the guard rail and the commentary team calls for a DQ. Those were the days. Bret reverses a whip and Taker hits the steps knees first. Bret goes after the knee in clinical fashion. Bret stomps at Taker’s knee and drops down on it at every opportnity. Precision offence. Bret slaps on a figure 4 but Taker won’t submit. Taker finally reverses the hold after a minute or so of not selling it. Bret punches Taker square in the knee. Beautiful. Text book. Bret has been working that knee for 8 straight minutes. Taker is actually selling after about 10 minutes of knee offence and is walking with a slight limp. Taker picks up a length of wire and chokes Bret with it to huge heel heat. It’s illegal. You can’t do that. Bret gets whipped into the timekeepers table and Taker drives a chair into his chest to another chorus of boos. Back in the ring Taker misses a clothesline and Bret takes out the leg again. Bret wraps Taker’s knee around the ring post and the crowd boo again. What the hell was wrong with people in 1996? Bret is expertly working the body part. He’s at over 10 minutes of offence onto one single body part. Taker fights back to his feet and once again is nursing a sore knee. Bret snags the ropes on a tombstone attempt and better still Taker couldn’t hold him up because of the bad knee. Psychology and selling in the same match Taker? Taker lowers his head for a body drop and Bret DDT’s him. Side russian leg sweep. Taker sits straight up though. Running bulldog on Taker. Taker sits back up. Backbreaker on Taker and Bret is running through the moves of doom. Bret drives an elbow from the second rope and Bret does a cool Gladiator style ‘thumbs up’, ‘thumbs down’ signal to the crowd before going to the sharpshooter. Taker grabs Bret by the throat in the midst of it being put on though and breaks it up. Double clothesline and both men are down. Round of applause in the Furious wrestling room. Bret exposes the turnbuckle. Bret takes off Taker’s facial protection – the mask. Bret sells a look of fear when he makes eye contact with Taker. Cool selling. Bret rams Taker’s face into the exposed turnbuckle twice and the crowd boos. Bret comes off the ropes and Taker catches him and dumps him down with the tombstone and that would be all except…for Diesel pulling out the referee. At 28.28 we have a DQ against Bret thanks to Diesel. Shame it didn’t go down clean. Match rating – A-. Surpreme stuff. Nearly 30 minutes of Bret working the body part to the point where even Taker was selling it. Awesome.

Best matches –
3. Triple H v Duke Droese. Trips was even good back in 1996 only no one noticed because he was so low on the card. Still he worked in loads of selling and psychology in a 6 minute match against a jobber on a free for all match. Respect the man.
2. Rumble match. Slow in places but interesting to note what the likes of Fatu, Kama, Ringmaster, Isaac Yankem went on to become. Michaels is great and his bits with Owen were a highlight.
1. Bret Hart v Undertaker. Bret was the best at working the body part. A joy, a joy to behold.

Overall PPV rating –
C+. An awesome main event doesn’t make up for a shoddily booked undercard. Goldust’s match with Razor Ramon was particularly horrible. Ahmed Johnson managed to remind me how much I hate him in his match with the excellent Jeff Jarrett.