Repost - Furious Zone #51

In which I suggest ways to fix the ailing WWF, which includes giving Jerry Lynn & Nova 20 minutes on PPV. Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time!

The Furious Zone #51 – “Time is the fire in which we all burn”

Welcome to the dwelling of delirium. I’m your party host Arnold F Furious and I’m a drug addict. I’m addicted to trashing Kevin Nash. It’s a serious problem but with all your collective help I may be able to get over it. This column was originally going to be about comparing and contrasting the WWF now and the WWF in previous years. That's where I would point out how long Jericho was mired in mid table obscurity before stepping up to the plate. Thus deserving his world title reign that has been so lambasted. Then I was intending to write about No Way Out but Tony did a much better job than I would have and I really didn’t care about the show anyway so instead, today, I will be doing “the plan”. “The plan” is something that’s been in the making for a long time.

Allow me to explain. The WWF really starting becoming stagnant after the addition of WCW’s talent roster in May of last year. There was too much talent and not enough airtime. To make matters worse large sections of that airtime were taken up with boring, pointless 20-minute promos. What wrestling matches occurred were trimmed down to fit the time limits and only the main events had a chance to go longer than 2 or 3 minutes. Every WWF show was mediocre. Every PPV suffered the same fate. Now in February of 2002 some 9 months later – nothing has changed. There are lots of good things happening with the WWF. Let me run through those –

1. PPV main events and big matches in general are always good (but never great) and there is no match at the top of a card that makes me downright sick with its poorness.
2. The WWF has the slickest production team in wrestling history and they always catch all the action unlike other companies and the WWF of the past. Furthermore their edited together pieces are a joy to behold like that 4 minute History of the WWF piece which was just awesome plus the bit with Bret in got a massive pop.
3. RAW and Smackdown are consistent in the sense the RAW’s main event is good and sometimes Smackdown’s main event is good and there is no other wrestling on the show.
4. The WWF has a strong roster filled with exceptional superstars ranging from Hulk Hogan to Steve Austin to Rob Van Dam to Ric Flair to Shawn Michaels. Everyone (apart from Bret Hart) who’s ever been over anywhere that’s available.
5. Paul Heyman works for the WWF.
6. There is no competition anymore. The WWF is the only game in town.

But there are several very bad points.

1. The McMahon’s are over every show. Even Stephanie (who was fired) was back on TV in less than 2 months. There is never a show that isn’t littered with McMahon’s.
2. The TV shows have become so formulaic you know what to expect on every show. In other words – nothing exciting ever happens. Prime example – announcing the nWo had been signed instead of having a surprise run in. That completely scooped their heat. It removed the shock and left the angle dead in the water. Way to go Vince. It was over in WCW because it was a surprise.
3. The opening 20 minutes of every RAW and Smackdown is guaranteed to be dull as hell. Why? Because it’s always a 20 minute promo and it’s always the same. I don’t mind the odd 20-minute promo but 2 a week sucks when there’s less than 2 hours in a show.
4. Every great wrestler that comes into the WWF has to work the WWF style because that’s the way it is. Why? Why does every single match have to look the same? How about some variety? We’re bored Vince.
5. If things weren’t bad enough in the lack of wrestling front the WWF’s main angle now involves Hogan, Nash and Hall. Great, now all the matches don’t go down clean because of either the McMahon’s or the nWo. I don’t know about everyone else but I like clean finishes.

It’s all very well complaining about the situation but I never seem to offer up a solution do I? Well here it is. This is the plan that will make the WWF worth watching. Ready? Ok, let’s roll.

1. Remove Stephanie McMahon from the booking committee. Her storylines suck. Replace her with Paul Heyman and Johnny Ace. Then you have great storyline and great matches, which are set up properly and have a point and a purpose and a direction.
2. Hire more writers. We’re always hearing about how tired the writers get and what a stressful job it is. Well there are thousands of people all around the world who would love to write for the WWF. I know, I’m one of them. This way you can dump a bunch of different writing styles together and mesh them into one product and then you get (drumroll) variety. Vince McMahon could edit it together himself if he wanted to. After all it’s his company.
3. No more McMahon’s on TV. Stephanie’s irritating screechy voice is a ratings disaster and Shane’s fairy tales are just as bad. Vince is a caricature of his former self and Linda is boring. I except that Vince would probably be needed as a heel leader but his place could be given to someone else in time and the rest of them are just plain annoying. I’m sure they have plenty of other work to do running the company.
4. No more 20 minute promos at the start of every show. If you need to do one then fine – do it. But if it’s just done on every show for the sake of it then it’s a waste of airtime.
5. If you do need 20 minutes of promo time on every show then spread it out among the wrestlers. The WWF has a wealth of talent and only 4 or 5 of them ever get interview time. Rock, Austin, Triple H, Taker, Angle and Jericho because he’s the champion. Rock’s promos have all been identical for the past year so I’m sure no one would miss his departure. Taker’s promos are nothing short of awful. Give that time to Edge, William Regal, Christian, Tazz or any number of WWF stars that can cut promos but never get the chance.
6. How about a tag team division? I know there is always one feud on the go and it’s always over one thing – the WWF tag team titles. Don’t teams feud over anything but this? After all there are 5 singles storylines going into every single PPV. How about a secondary tag feud that has nothing to do with the belts. Not enough teams? Create some. You have a massive talent roster. How about reforming the Impact Players? How about putting Raven with Tommy Dreamer? These are just off the top of my head.
7. How about a cruiserweight division? I love cruiserweights and judging by fan response so does EVERYONE else. Who doesn’t like cruiserweights? If I get one email from a fan saying they hate cruiserweights I’ll be amazed. Cruiserweights put on different and innovative matches but for God’s sake don’t just use the talent you already have – build a division. Here are a few potential signees that would put on a 5 star match on each PPV between them for you – Rey Mysterio Jnr, Juventud Guerrera, Psychosis, Elix Skipper, Super Crazy, Nova, Kid Kash and Jason Jett aka EZ Money. Add those to guys you already have and seem to have forgotten about – Tajiri, Jerry Lynn, Taka Michinoku, Dean Malenko, Kidman and you have a killer and world beating cruiserweight division. All it would take would be a match on RAW, a match on Smackdown and a match on every PPV. They wouldn’t need any build up just send them out and watch them go. It’s something wrestling fans have been yearning for in the WWF since Tiger Mask and the WWF has constantly failed to deliver. Don’t continue to make these same mistakes. On a related note – Nova v Jerry Lynn. Give them 20 minutes on PPV and watch the match of the year.
8. Speaking of longer matches – how about some longer matches for the “wrestlers”? I’m talking about guys like Rob Van Dam, Chris Benoit etc that can go for 30 minutes at the drop of a hat. It worked for Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels. Why not put out awesome shows every single month it might well result in more people paying attention.
9. Surprises. The WWF has been so bad from an entertainment standpoint because of the lack of surprises. The WWF has constantly dropped the ball. Triple H’s comeback, the New World Order, WCW and when it did it right with ECW’s return they screwed it up with No 3 and put the McMahon’s all over it. Wrestling is about two things – the matches and entertainment and nothing entertains like a surprise. Book more surprises because they are the things that get remembered and talked about along with the best matches. Generating interest in the product starts with those two basic traits.
10. If someone is over – push him or her. If someone isn’t over – don’t push him or her. It’s that simple. Listen to the crowd. Rock and Undertaker earned pushes on popularity. Good for them. Tazz has been over since day one in the WWF but they kept coming up with ways to not push him. RVD is the most over guy in the company considering his lack of push. How can he get the second loudest pop of the show wrestling Goldust in a curtain jerker? Because he’s over. Great. Glad we got that straight. Now push him. Also please not that Kevin Nash wasn’t over at all. Thank you.

That’s the plan people and it’s a keeper. Follow it and success can be yours. Don’t build for next week or next month or next year build for now. Have great matches now while you have the chance. If you can do a great match next month too then all the better.

Think I’m wrong. Well that’s your opinion and you’re entitled to voice it. What would you do to improve the current state of the WWF? If you email me and I think you’re talking sense or even if you’re not I’ll make sure it all goes into issue 52 and we can get talking to the world about it. Hell, maybe Vince will listen this time and we’ll get to see all the wonders I promised above. Yeah, right.

Furious Respect-O-Meter for February 20th 2002.

1. Harry G. Harry bags the number one spot by noticing my last title quote was from They Live and was of course uttered by Nada aka Roddy Piper. If you haven’t seen the flick I suggest watching it because it has the longest most pointless fight ever in it.
2. Scott Hall. The man is over in 2 words and IF he is over his personal problems he could prove to be a sterling addition to the WWF roster. Hogan and Nash still suck.
3. Bret Hart. As part of the Furious Flashbacks I watched Royal Rumble 1996 and noticed how well Bret carried the Undertaker for 30 minutes. Amazing stuff really. Oh, if anyone can remember what the last flashback I posted was can they let me know because I don’t know what I’ve posted and what I’ve not posted. Cheers.
4. Kevin Smith. Not only is he a funny, funny man and good director his work on Daredevil is absolutely classic. It’s not funny it’s just brilliant.
5. Mark Morrison aka the Mack. The Mack has yet to press charges over the harrassment and the prank phone calls. What a good sport he is. Round of applause for the Mack the talentless bucket of shit. If anybody wants The Mack’s phone number drop me an email and I’ll send it to you. Snoogans.

The Rage is Relentless.

Arnold F

Repost - Furious Zone #49

I called Shawn Michaels washed up in 2002. I am an idiot. There are a lot of other interesting points though.

The Furious Zone #49 – “I ain’t got time to bleed”

Welcome one and all to the dwelling of delirium and my methods of madness. It seems that despite my ranting about Hogan last week the whole nWo storyline is in full gear. I don’t think anyone out there knows how annoying that is. Firstly the New World Order abbreviation of NOW changes automatically on Microsoft’s beloved Word program. I’ve left the one in this sentence to demonstrate. So everytime I type nWo out I get “now”. Bastards all of ‘em.

Vince’s New World Order storyline – Pro’s and Con’s.

As you can see I have actually given the New World Order I great deal of thought. I’ve desperately looked beyond my initial hatred of Hogan, Nash and Hall to get into the nitty gritty. The pro’s and the cons. Does the money outweigh the sacrifice. I sure hope it does for Vince and the WWF’s sake but lets look at it from my perspective. Firstly the positive side –

New World Order – Pro’s.

· Everyone is talking about it. The last time something got this much attention on the internet we had a badly booked invasion. But the anticipation of the invasion was cool. We’re getting the same thing here. Will the WWF book this angle all to crap as well? Only time will tell but at least people care about it which is more than can be said for everything since Wrestlemania X7.
· The New World Order caused chaos and unpredictability when it was first introduced to the stale WCW program under the guidance of Eric Bischoff. Because of the nature of the New World Order you never know who might be involved and for what reason. Because of this I’ll be looking later in this very column at possible members before the faction has taken off. That’s what the New World Order does. Gets people talking and creates interest and will be surprising.
· Vince + Hogan = heel heat. Who do you hate more than these two egomaniacs? Think about it.
· Hulk Hogan is and will always be a draw. People will watch if Hogan is in the WWF.
· Hogan has never feuded with any number of current WWF superstars like Steve Austin, The Rock, Kurt Angle and Triple H. The potential for something interesting is there.
· Hogan, Nash and Hall are bad guys. No one likes them. They may be the first smart heels. In other words – the fans (whether on the internet or not) will loathe these guys. When Triple H was the WWF’s number one heel the fans on the net loved him. During the invasion angle Austin was praised highly on the internet. These three have no chance of any praise. From anyone. They are perfect heels in that respect.

New World Order – Con’s

· Hogan hasn’t been worth shit in years and cannot work a decent program with anyone because a) his ego gets in the way and b) when it comes to the match the angle will flop (see Warrior, Ultimate crossreferenced with WCW, shithole)
· If Vince lets these 3 have any power (which in a way he has already with the massive build up) then he’s asking for trouble.
· Vince McMahon is recycling the very storyline which buried WCW in the first place. The NWO ruined WCW because they never knew when to let it die.
· Why in the blue hell should we believe Vince wants to destroy the very company which is still making him millions every year it’s in operation. Why would he want to throw that money away by destroying his own company? I think the “Vince McMahon” we see on screen should be committed to a mental institution for that kind of decision.
· This whole move is a potential locker room disaster. It will damage moral. If Hogan and Nash get dumped straight into main events what does that say for guys like Edge who’ve worked for years to be on the fringe of greatness? How has he been rewarded? The locker room will not be happy with this move. Maybe even more so than when Vince threw his money into the doomed XFL.
· Wrestling will suffer. Mark my words.

So look at it like this – I can see why everyone is so excited about the New World Order. It’s exciting and new (to the WWF) and with it anything can and may happen. The NWO may well bring in guys like Jeff Jarrett, Shawn Michaels, Scott Steiner or if you want some long shots – Roddy Piper, Randy Savage or Goldberg. But if it gets overbooked then the NWO will become just another heel stable like the Alliance, like the Corporate Ministry, like the Million Dollar Man’s corporation, like the Heenan Family. Everyone in it will not benefit from joining and will ultimately get lost in the mix just like the Alliance angle. Only guys who are already over get over. Wrestling will suffer. Matches will be interupted. Don’t expect any match at No Way Out to go down anywhere near clean. These will be dark days. But at least they’ll be entertaining? Right?

Possible NWOites.

The Undertaker

The WWF is giving Taker no respect. Taker is like Sting was in WCW. He’s the dark one. The guy who doesn’t take any crap from guys from the outside. But if he were to join the NWO he would do his heel push a power of good. If he didn’t join he would have to oppose and that would turn him back face again. Boring. Taker needs this to push him over the edge as a heel. It would work. It would be quite shocking too. Chances of it happening – good.

Chris Jericho

Undisputed champion and yet a joke in the eyes of the WWF fans. Only problem with him joining with the New World Order is that he would be lost in the shuffle. Jericho has been exceptionally weak as a champion and nearly lost to Maven last week. He needs to stand out. Unless he was the leader of this faction I hope to God he doesn’t join it. Chances of it happening – average.

The Rock

Yes, the ultimate heel turn. I doubt it would happen because Rock is such good box office as a face but he was hated as a heel. If you look back to 1998 and early 1999 the Rock was the best heel in the company. Every since then he’s been a babyface. A heel turn would certainly freshen up the character and the NWO is the only way the turn would take. The only problem is he would probably turn the whole of the NWO face just by joining. Chances of it happening – slim but it would be cool.

Shawn Michaels

Shawn has been off TV for far too long and his appearance a few weeks ago at the Royal Rumble leads me to believe that he’s close to a return to TV. Shawn was always awesome as a heel and it wouldn’t take much to put Michaels in with the other has-beens. Sorry Shawn but you are washed up. Chances of it happening – based on prior WCW booking it’s a certainty. Based on WWF booking – depends how much crack they’ve had.

Jeff Jarrett

If Vince can iron out his differences with Hogan then Jarrett needs to be signed. He’s a far better worker than the guys that have already been signed and he fits in with the whole NWO. After all he was a part of it’s final incarnation. Chances of it happening – one would hope they were good.

Goldberg

If Vince can hire 3 lazy, over paid, undertalented egomaniacs I’m sure he has room for a 4th. Problem is Goldberg has guaranteed millions without setting foot in the ring ever again and Triple H hates him. Plus the guy is the biggest mark for himself in the history of professional wrestling. Chances of it happening – zero.

X-Pac

Look another guy who everyone hates plus he has all sorts of links with the other guys in the angle. He should be a shoe in to get the role. Chances of it happening – if logic were applied he’s there.

Bret Hart

If you can bring back Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair you have to bring back Bret Hart. Bret is the greatest worker the WWF have ever had. The only problem is that he has enormous, off the scale, personal heat with Vince McMahon. Bret is the only guy you can guarantee will not be back as a part of this. Shit. Chances of it happening – snowballs chance in hell.

I know I promised to have a play with those tools at Power Of Wrestling magazine but I don’t have the room or the time to talk about Bill Apter. Sorry. So without further ado it’s onto the almighty Respect-O-Meter. I know what you’re thinking – “What the hell is a respect-o-meter?”. Well clearly you didn’t read the Furious Zone #48 where the almighty Respect-O-Meter made it’s glorious debut. The idea is if you place on the almighty Respect-O-Meter then you have earned my respect. It may have been through some random act of kindliness or something particularly brutal. It just doesn’t matter to me.

The Almighty Furious Respect-O-Meter for February 2nd 2002.

1. Bret Jones. I told you last time that he is your champion and once again he has prevailed. Bret Jones, your lord and master, spotted that my title quote last time out came from Full Metal Jacket. That quote again – “You climb obstacles like old people fuck”. I love that quote. If you can spot the tenuously wrestling linked movie quote this week you win a bunch of bananas. Or perhaps you merely claim a place on the Respect-O-Meter above your peers. Once again bow before your champion – Bret Jones, ladies and gentlemen.
2. Chris Jericho. How is a man this entertaining allowed to essentially job to Maven? Still he carried Maven to a great match for a total outright rookie. On top of that he had a great match with Tazz on Smackdown. If only he could win a match clean.
3. Ric Flair. I may not like the man’s promos but he sure does know how to make the crowd just erupt on cue. Pretty amazing when you consider a large percentage of the newer fans of the WWF don’t really have an idea what he did for the business. The same large percentage probably never saw him wrestle in Japan, or against Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat or against Randy Savage at Wrestlemania 8. He’s a legend and he never looks out of place controlling 15,000 people with the flick of a wrist.
4. Christopher Nolan. Before anyone says “who?” this is the guy who directed the awesome “Memento” starring former Aussie soap hunk Guy Pearce. Simply put it’s the best film I’ve seen in years. I would highly recommend it to anyone and everyone. Although as a guide if you liked say – The Usual Suspects, this is for you.
5. Jimmie Moreland. If you don’t who Jimmie is – shame on you. Jimmie is the guy who makes this site run like a well oiled machine and the man is responsible for it’s funky look and choice selection of tasty babes in our sister site. Now, I swear if anyone else says I’m gay they’ll be trouble. But Jimmie is included here because he put me in charge of hiring and firing columnists. Which means I can fire myself if I really start to suck. Excellent. I am indeed natures greatest miracle.

So until next column reading folks –

The Rage is Relentless.

Arnold F

Repost - Furious Zone #48

Hey, why not? Here's some really old columns from 2002. This was back when I was writing for the now long defunct WrestleEmpire.com. I don't agree with half my sentiments from back then now. I certainly would never have referred to Scott Hall as a zero if I was thinking beyond my WCW hatred. Take my badly aged and somewhat uneducated opinions with a pinch of proverbial salt.

The Furious Zone #48 – “You climb obstacles like old people fuck”

Welcome to the dwelling of delirium here at Wrestle Empire.com. The excitement has been bubbling around here ever since I heard that the WWF was in negotiations with Hulk Hogan and Kevin Nash. I’ve never been more disgusted in my whole life. So this entire column could well be a series of expletives. I apologise for this ahead of time. In order to counter this particularly abusive tone I am debuting a new feature this week. It’s called the Furious Respect-O-Meter. The Respect-O-Meter will be a measure of what and who I like right now. Right this second. Excited? I’m so excited I may have to change my pants.

Well I watched the Royal Rumble and I was quite impressed. There was no exceptionally bad match on the card although it looked a little weak on paper. Jericho v Rock was a good match and although it didn’t put Jericho over (more on this in a sec) it was entertaining. I’ll take that. Regal-Edge was a showstealer and I don’t care what anyone says and how many morons in Atlanta sat on their hands during it – it was match of the night. Edge is showing the kind of form which could well see him step up to the next level in the next few weeks (not months, weeks) and challenge Chris Jericho for the WWF title. He won’t win but he’s a genuine threat already. Dudleys v Spike/Tazz was ok and I quite enjoyed it. Jazz v Trish was surprisingly good and is probably the best womens match I’ve seen on WWF PPV since the days of Alundra Blayze. If they let it go a little longer it could have grown into the best womens match in WWF history. Good sign for Jazz and for Trish. Not only was it loaded with hand injured psychology but it had some lovely sequences. Now the bad –

The Royal Rumble has recently been better paced than the rumble match at 2002. It seemed like we had stages in the match that were dominated by one or two stars. In particular the Undertaker had his little run and Triple H and Austin dominated a large spell. Having said that it was still good and Maven eliminating the Undertaker is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. There are other gripes though. Rob Van Dam and Booker T are great performers but their late entries did little for the match and they could have been better utilised on a longer run. I was hoping that RVD would come in at number one and stay there for 30 minutes or so. RVD is so over the crowd booed more when he was eliminated than when Austin went out. I think the WWF misused him in that respect. Also bad was Vince v Flair but I thought that would be bad so I wasn’t disappointed. To be real honest – I’m not that big a fan of Flair. This will probably catch me some flack from some wrestling purists but I never really liked him. I respect him and I appreciate his work but I think his promos suck. I do like a nice WHOOOO every now and again though.

So was the Royal Rumble worth the £14 I swore blind I wasn’t going to pay for it? Well it was better than most of the poxy British PPV’s that I pay the same amount for but it wasn’t as good as either of the past 2 years Rumble’s. It seems the WWF is heading in the right direction but they need a little more variety. None of the past 3 PPV’s have had variety but they’ve all been good. I guess the WWF is sticking with ‘good’ and not going for ‘excellent’ like last years Wrestlemania. Now that is how you book a show – technical masterpiece (Benoit-Angle), high flying table breaking match (TLC), hardcore match (Kane-Show-Raven), comedy match (Gimmick Battle Royal), solid main event (Rock-Austin). The WWF is only using the Rock-Austin match as a template when it needed all those elements for a truly great PPV event. The result is lots of ‘solid’ shows. All good reliable stuff but nothing amazing. The WWF needs more variety and a cruiserweight division would help matters.

Right – Jericho. I said prior to the rumble that Jericho would need to go over clean to make his title run worth shit. Take Triple H a couple of years ago where he needed the same sort of win over Cactus Jack to claim the same credibility and he got it, hence he’s now over and has been for over 2 years on one match. He built on that match. Jericho hasn’t had his one match yet because the WWF just don’t book him that way. He had a chance at the rumble to have his one match. All he needed was a clean win for a credible title reign. If you count using the ropes, the title belt, 2 of his buddies, a crooked ref and 2 ref bumps to retain his title as clean then he went over clean. I usually find a way to exaggerate the facts to make my point in these cases but with that match I didn’t need to. Rock also kicked out of 2 Lionsaults and powered out of the Liontamer twice. Hence killing both of Jericho’s finishers. It’s got to the point where I think I could beat Jericho in a fair fight. He had to use 7 big cheats to win against Rock. Normally one is enough for anyone else. I guess his own ability counts for nothing. The match, although entertaining, has buried Jericho’s title run deeper than a Steve Corino blade job.

Back to my original point in the opening paragraph. The WWF knows it needs something different on the card. So do they put Jerry Lynn, Rob Van Dam, The Hardys, Edge, Lance Storm and Al Snow in any combination of matches they want (any and all would work) or do they sign Rey Mysterio, Psychosis, Juventud Guerrera, Jonny Storm, Jody Fleisch and the Great Sasuke? No? What could be better than my proposals which would provide an entertaining 2 hours of undercard for any Rock-Austin-Triple H-Big Slow main event they wanted to put on? Oh yeah, I forgot.

THE WWF IS GOING TO SIGN HULK HOGAN, KEVIN NASH AND SCOTT HALL.

Why? Why in the name of all that’s good would the WWF want to sign these 3 zeros? Build for the future; don’t sign guys who’ll be worth shit in a year. Shit in a year? Hell they’re shit now. Scott Hall is the only one of the 3 who can still wrestle and he’s unpredictable; childish, irresponsible and quite frankly he isn’t a draw. Plus he’s an alcoholic with ungoing family problems. The WWF fans probably won’t know who he is because most of them came in around 1998 when Austin was the king. Hall hardly has the talent to get noticed amongst the most loaded roster of all time. Hall is nowhere near the likes of Angle, Benoit, Storm and Triple H in workrate and nowhere near the likes of Austin, Rock and Jericho in the mic department. He may have been 5 years ago but wake up Vince, it’s 2002. Scott Hall is a thing of the past. I won’t pop for the guy because I just don’t care about him. I personally would put any member of the WWF’s current roster over Hall clean in any match you care to name. Hardcore Holly is better than Hall. Taka Michinoku is better than Hall. These guys are buried in obscurity. D’Lo Brown is better than Hall. Sean O’Haire is better than Hall. Both these guys are in the minors. If I’m pissed off about Hall you had better believe it’s ten times worse for the other two.

Nash is a joke. Nash has never been able to go. Nash has been carried by anyone who’s ever had a good match with him. Nash knows all of 3 wrestling moves. Nash is the laziest worker in the business today. Do you think the fans and the locker room are going to respond to a guy that lazy? That pathetic piece of crap? I hate Nash more than any other wrestler on this planet. I can’t even name a year to say this about – “Nash hasn’t been worth shit since….” Because Nash has been worth shit since he was born. How anyone ever let him wrestle is beyond me. He just can’t do it. He reminds me of Superstar Billy Graham. The Superstar didn’t bother wrestling either. He just got over on looks. He had the look of a champion and guess what? Vince put the WWF title on both guys. What a fucking surprise. Couldn’t put it on Curt Hennig, Chris Benoit or Owen Hart but sure give it to Nash. Nash the overrated piece of shit. If Nash makes me sick than I can’t look at Hogan.

Hulk Hogan began his reign of terror somewhere around Wrestlemania 3. Before that it was tolerable. Then he just became superhuman and no sold everything, everyone’s finishers, everyone’s signature moves. It was his massive kick out at Wrestlemania 5 against Savage from his big elbow that really did it. Why did he have to no sell it so much? Why not just barely kick out at 2 and ¾? Because Hogan is an egomaniac. Worse still, away from the actual wrestling part of the business, Hogan is a politician. Hogan wants control. Hogan wants success for himself and his buddies and screw anyone who can’t draw. If you can’t draw you’re not worth shit to Hogan. Hogan only respects one thing and that’s money. If you haven’t got any or you can’t make him any you’re worth shit to Hogan. And the WWF is putting these 3 guys in its locker room. They must have lost the plot. All 3 are known troublemakers. All 3 are washed up. All 3 are politicians who will play people in the locker rooms like the proverbial musical instruments they perceive them as. These men cannot be trusted. These men have earned my disdain. For these men I say nothing more.

Well that’s the abuse out of the way. Now onto the almighty praise as we check out the Furious Respect-O-Meter for January 22nd 2002.

1. Bret Jones. Bret, although unknown among the throngs of visitors to the Zone, is a genius and a scholar. Not only did he correctly identify which film my title quote came from last time out (Martin Scorsese’s Bringing Out The Dead) he also accredited it to the correct character. Let the name Bret Jones be forever connected to success and respect.
2. Jeff Jarrett. It wasn’t until I sat down and did a flashback to 1998 and 1999 that I realised how good Jarrett actually is. I apologise to the Jarrett clan if I ever took his name in vain. He is a true hero of wrestling.
3. The Undertaker. I may not like him but he let himself be eliminated from the rumble by Maven. That alone should be enough to kick-start a career for the young man. It’s selfless acts like that, which make wrestling entertaining. Austin did it for Angle. Michaels did it for Austin. Foley did it for Triple H. The list goes on. I’m glad the Undertaker has done something worthy of my respect so early in the year.
4. Jazz. Having a good match in the WWF when you’re a woman is virtually impossible. Meet the woman who will change all that.
5. Tommy Dreamer. Having looked back at my fair share of ECW events from the past it’s now very easy to see where the respect for Tommy came from. He is a great worker who puts his heart and soul into every match. The WWF doesn’t seem to realise they have another Mick Foley right under their noses.

With that I’m out of here. I would like to point out that I screwed up a little in my rumble predictions but, for a change, I actually picked both main events correctly. An inverse Furious set of predictions if you will. Again I have set a challenge to one and all. If you can name the source of the Furious Zone 48’s title quotation you will get your name in big shining lights, just like Bret Jones. Respect the man or name the quote. For until you best him, he is your champion.

The rage is relentless.

Arnold F

PS I was reading Power Of Wrestling magazine today. David Kimble is a tool and Bill Apter is a hypocrite (mayhap some wacky quotation based humour with the fools from POW next week?)

Repost - WWF Wrestlemania 15

The Furious Flashbacks – Wrestlemania 15

Everyone bought this PPV for Undertaker-Bossman Hell in a Cell. No, wait I think it was Mankind v Big Show to determine the referee in the main event. I’m completely out of it of course. The match everyone bought this show for was Steve Austin v The Rock. First time ever for the WWF title after Rock had established himself as a main event heel. Austin was aiming to win the WWF title at his second consecutive Wrestlemania.

This PPV will be graded according to the Furious Grading Scale. FGS grades are as follows -

A One of the greatest matches anywhere, ever.
A- Damn near perfect
B+ Excellent
B Very Good
B- Good
C+ Average
C Mediocre
C- Bad
D Terrible
F Hulk Hogan
U or Ungraded = Hacksaw Jim Duggan v Ultimate Warrior v Goldberg in a submissions only Ironman match. My worst nightmare.

Boyz 2 Men sing America the Beautiful. Joy. Every time I’ve seen it I fast forwarded it. The WWF demonstrates it’s ability to do video packages with a “through the ages” package voiced by Classy Freddie Blassie. Michael Cole and the King welcome us to the Grandaddy of them all – Wrestlemania. Cole is covering for JR when he had his problems.

Hardcore title – Billy Gunn (c) v Hardcore Holly v Al Snow

How did Billy win the belt? I can’t remember. I see a lot of ECW fans in the crowd. Well we are in Philadelphia. They spill outside early and Billy takes the stairs knees first. Holly suplexes Snow on the floor. Snow pulls out a hockey stick and we have a chant of “let’s go Flyers”. Snow dumps a case of gatorade on Holly. Billy breaks the hockey stick over Holly’s back. Snow pulls some funky martial arts moves with a broom handle to my amusement. Snow sets up a chair and hits air Sabu to a chant of “ECW”. He misses a second attempt and Billy takes over with a gorilla press on Holly. Snow waffles both men with Head and gets a “Head” chant going. Snow goes under the ring and pulls out a table. Gunn steps in and chairs both Holly and Snow with 2 stiff chair shots. He puts a chair in the ring and hits a FameAsser on Snow. Holly hits Gunn with a chair and then pins Snow. What? It’s over at 7.01 and they didn’t use the table. Match rating – D. Nothing really to speak of match-wise.

WWF tag titles – Owen Hart/Jeff Jarrett (c) v D’Lo Brown/Test

D’Lo and Test won a rumble earlier in the night to win the tag title shot. That’s how many good tag teams were around. They aren’t even a team. Owen and Jarrett, despite being heels, are far more over than the challengers. Debra accompanies the champs. Test hits his finisher (big boot) 15 seconds into the match on Owen but no one notices. Test with a gutwrench powerbomb on Owen for a 2 count. Owen comes back with an inziguri and he goes for a sharpshooter but D’Lo breaks it up. D’Lo tells Owen that he sucks. Owen disproves that with a lovely spinning heel kick. Jarrett tags in and D’Lo reverses him into a Sky High from a leap frog. The ref seems the miss that completely and Terri is at ringside for some reason and she distracts the ref while Owen hits a top rope dropkick on D’Lo. Jarrett rolls him up and it’s over at 3.57. Match rating – D. Not good. Should have gone at least another 10 minutes considering the talent.

Brawl for All – Butterbean v Bart “The Hammer” Gunn

Bart just won the Brawl For All in a fixed final because he knocked out Steve Williams and ruined his push. Gorilla Monsoon is one of the judges and gets a massive pop. This match (like most of the Brawl for All) is real. In other words – no planned finish. It’s a fight. Bart gets knocked down on 16 seconds and has trouble getting back up. At about 30 seconds Butterbean hits Bart so hard he drops him cold. The bell rings at 47 seconds. This is over and this is uglier than a bowling shoe. Match rating – F. As this was a shoot I won’t give it a “U”.

The world famous San Diego chicken comes out and dances with Vinny Pazienca who was reffing the Brawl and Vinny knocks his ass out.

Match to determine the referee in the main event – Mankind v “The Big Show” Paul Wight

Foley is so over. The crowd chant “Foley” as Mick throws a few clotheslines but Show no sells everything. Mick goes for a double arm DDT on the floor but Show pushes him into the ring steps. Mick lands on the back of his head. Back in the ring Show hits a russian legsweep. A wrestling move? Yeah, you heard me right. Mick pulls out Mr Socko. Business is about to pick up. Mandible claw in the ring but Show just fights out. Mandible claw again and a low blow and Mick climbs on Show’s back to get additional leverage but Show just drops backwards. Ouch. That must have broken something inside. Show goes for a chair and waffles Mick in the ribs and the back with chair shots. Show sets up a couple of chairs in the ring and chokeslams Mick on them. The ref calls it a DQ at 6.50. Match rating – C-. I only gave Mick some points for his bumps. Foley will ref the main event. Vince comes out and badmouths Show for screwing up the main event. Show slaps him silly and Vince is out.

In the back Vince orders the arrest of the Big Show. This was the beginning of crap for the WWF. Vince, because he was so over in 1998, thought he could pull this crap on every show. Wrong. Cue boredom.

IC title – Road Dogg (c) v Val Venis v Goldust w/Ryan Shamrock/Blue Meanie v Ken Shamrock

Early hurracurana on Goldie from Shamrock. I see another ECW regular in the crowd ordering Shamrock to “fuck the Roadie up”. Sweet. Road Dogg hits a drop kick on Shamrock and tags out. Val tags in also and Goldust hits a release suplex. Goldie goes for the curtain call but Val gets out and hits a spinebuster. Goldust messes up a superplex so Val bulldogs him from the ropes. Val with a fisherman suplex for a 2 count. Shamrock hits a DDT on Goldust so Road Dogg comes in and DDT’s Val. Goldie gets up first and gets a 2 count on Val. Road Dogg tags in and peppers Val with the shaky punches. Goldie comes in and Road Dogg cleans house. Road Dogg with a pumphandle slam on Val but Shamrock blindsides him. Ankle Lock on Val but he makes the ropes. Val back drops Shamrock to the floor and Ken’s “sister” Ryan comes over to distract Shammy. Val and Shamrock fight up the aisleway and both get counted out at 8.23. Road Dogg and Goldie are left. Shamrock snaps and belly to belly’s both the remaining guys. Ryan trips Goldie ‘by mistake’. Road Dogg hits the roll up for the belt at 9.48. match rating – C+. Very average stuff. Nothing fun anywhere to be found.

Show is being hauled off by the cops outside. He makes a few cracks about donuts and so forth. Bye, bye.

Triple H v Kane

Kane is in the Corporation and Chyna is helping him. Trips is the leader of DX and Chyna stabbed him in the back a few weeks ago. Kane is jumped by the San Diego chicken and it’s Pete Rose. Tombstone. Night Pete. Trips sneaks in through the crowd and hits a low blow. Trips backdrops Kane out of the ring but lands on his feet. Trips throws Kane into the ring steps and Kane has a bad arm. Trips works a few dropkicks on Kane but Kane’s selling is so bad it’s hard to watch. Kane goes to chokeslam Trips on the outside but dumps Trips onto the guard rail. The Mean Street Posse is at ringside and Kane shoves Trips right into them. Kane runs through some plodding offence including a glory leg drop which gets a two count. Kane hits an ugly pescado. Kane climbs the buckles and Trips hits an arm drag of sorts off the top. Kane lumbers through some awful selling so Trips hits his facebuster and it doesn’t put him down. Trips is in control and out comes Chyna. Kane goes for a tombstone but Trips gets out and goes for a pedigree which Kane powers out of. Chyna dumps some steel ring steps into the ring. Kane goes to use them so Trips hits a leg lift and then a drop toe hold onto the steps. Trips goes for a pedigree on the ring steps but Kane backdrops out. Kane hits a chokeslam and Chyna comes in with a chair but hits Kane for the DQ at 11.33. Match rating – C+. Chyna and Trips hug after the match and Trips pedigrees Kane on a chair. Huge pops because they think Chyna has gone back face. Ah. It won’t last.

Vince McMahon announces in comic book caricature mode that he will referee the main event. That’s right – steal the spotlight Vince. Ruin another match.

WWF Women’s title – Sable (c) v Tori

Sable just appeared in Playboy. Nice photo shoot incidentally. She may have sucked as a wrestler but she was hot. “This is for the women who want to be me and the men who come to see me”. Sable is half heel by this point because her ego is so massive she’s about to quit and go solo. Tori comes out to a Joe Satriani tune butchered for intro purposes. This is like watching some late night movie with “Amazon” in the title somewhere. Highlight of the match is Sable doing the Grind. Tori screws up a simple bridge into a backslide. Tori knocks the ref out and out comes ‘Man Beast’ Nicole Bass. Bass press slams Tori. Any chance of an explaination? No? Sablebomb on Tori for the 3 at 5.05. Match rating – U.

WWF European title – Shane McMahon (c) v X-Pac

X-Pac cuts a promo with all of DX (with Chyna) but Trips does most of the talking because he’s far more over. Shane is accompanied by Test and he has the Mean Street Posse at ringside. Brisco and Patterson kick X-Pac’s ass at ringside before the match. Hehe. Shane does a crane and bails. Awesome. Back into the ring and X-Pac hits a heel kick. Test pulls Shane out to avoid a Bronco Buster. On the outside Test crotches X-Pac. Shane slaps X-Pac around a bit but misses a People’s elbow. Shane takes a belt to X-Pac Hogan style. Shane gets backdropped out the ring and X-Pac hits a pescado. The Mean Street Posse intervene battering X-Pac from behind. X-Pac decks Pete Gas so Test levels him with a clothesline. Shane goes up top and X-Pac drop kicks him for the crotch. Superplex from X-Pac but Test pulls out X-Pac. Test misses a move outside and injures himself. X-Pac takes the belt and straps Shane. Bronco Buster from X-Pac. Test comes in and waffles X-Pac with the European title but Shane doesn’t get the pin. Shane goes for his Bronco Buster but misses. Test comes in again so X-Pac clocks him with a spin kick and out comes Triple H. Bronco Buster on Test. Trips pulls out Test while X-Pac hits the X-Factor on Shane. Trips hits the pedigree on X-Pac and the crowd goes nuts. Shane pins X-Pac for the 3 count at 8.40. Match rating – C+. Lots of interference but signs of Shane’s ability. It was the start of the Triple H heel run that put him on course for greatness though.

Hell in a Cell – Undertaker v Big Bossman

This is the Corporation (a heel stable lead by Vince McMahon) against the Ministry (a heel stable lead by the Undertaker). Does this sound boring? That’s because it was. Bossman is Vince’s shining knight in this match. Taker at least comes out to his coolest ever music (yeah even Limp Bizkit) which is a nastier version of his classic music. Taker gets caught with an early neckbreaker. Taker sits up to absolutely zero heat. Taker sort of chokeslams Bossman into the cell wall. Bossman has produced handcuffs from somewhere and he cuffs Taker to the cell. Bossman takes a nightstick to Taker and the cuffs have broken already. The crowd is chanting “boring” already. Taker is busted open. Taker whips Bossman into the cell and grabs a chair which he uses to nail Bossman in the spine with. Taker javelins Bossman into the cell in a moment that briefly reminds me of Bad Blood until Bossman’s selling kicks in. Back into the ring with a flying clothesline. Top rope walk of doom but Taker gets crotched. The crowd is booing but it’s hard to tell what. The booing actually becomes more of a constant than the match. Bossman reverses a tombstone but Taker hits it the second time for the win at 9.47 and luckily the WWF pipes in enough music to drown out the very, very loud boos. Match rating – F. Absolutely awful from start to finish. Edge, Christian and Gangrel drop out of the ceiling and hang Bossman from the cell after the match. Hey, those guys were over. No chance of a match for them then? No, guess not. Bossman should be dead but hey wrestling is fake right?

Michael Cole makes way for good old JR before the main event because Cole sucks too much to work the main event. The crowd give JR a nice pop. Maybe they were just happy to see Cole leave as he’s left his indelible crap mark on this show.

WWF title – The Rock (c) v Steve Austin

Vince is going to ref the match but out comes WWF commish Shawn Michaels who gets the biggest pop of the night and removes Vince from the match and bars the Corporation from ringside. “Start the stepping and hit the bricks McMahon”. Michaels is so over even a year after he retired.

Rock talks trash to Austin so Austin smacks him about a bit. They spill out of the ring and straight into the crowd. This match is no DQ thanks to Vince so both take advantage of that outside. Austin goes for a piledriver outside but Rock backdrops him into a lighting rig which Austin clocks hard with his knee. Rock reverses a suplex outside and nails a suplex on Austin on the concrete. Austin dumps Rock onto the Spanish announce table and Austin drives an elbow. The table doesn’t break so Austin goes up a second time and hits the elbow and breaks the table. Rock fights back and wraps Austin’s knee around the ringpost. Austin puts Rock into the ring steps. Back inside Rock hits a Rock Bottom but Austin kicks out. Rock brings in a chair and the ref gets nailed with the chair. Rock with a neckbreaker and he’s working the bad neck of Austin. Chair shots to the knees of Austin. Work those injured body parts. Rock gets another two count. Rock goes to a sleeper because he’s run out of ideas. Austin fights out but catches a Samoan drop for another 2 count. Referee Timmy White upsets the Rock with his slow count and gets a rock bottom but Rock catches a stunner. Hebner comes running down but only counts to 2 and Rock kicks out to the People’s Displeasure. Out comes Vince. Rock hits a low blow and Vince comes in. Rock and Vince give Austin a shoeing while the crowd chants for “HBK”. Foley comes out and removes Vince from the equation. Austin scores a 2 count from a roll up. Lou Thesz press and right hands. Rock hits the Rock Bottom and Rock goes for the People’s Elbow instead of covering. Rock misses the elbow. Rock goes for another Rock Bottom but Austin counters, misses his gut kick completely and hits the stunner for the win at 16.52. Match rating – B-. Decent main event but a little too overdone in terms of run in’s and ref bumps and a little low on actual match.

Best matches –
3. Shane McMahon v X-Pac. Reasonable and showed the gifts Shane had been blessed with but loaded with pointless run in’s and Triple H’s big heel turn.
2. Kane v Triple H. Actually one of the worst matches I’ve ever seen Triple H wrestle.
1. Steve Austin v The Rock. It helped that it was the longest match but it was loaded with extra caricular stuff instead of match psychology. Looked really lazy and that was the best match.

Overall PPV rating –
D. Just appalling. Even the main event was a little short on actual wrestling action. Possibly the worst Wrestlemania of all time.

Repost - WWF Wrestlemania 14

The Furious Flashbacks – Wrestlemania 14

WM14 is X-Raided whatever that means. Shawn Michaels is defending his WWF title against Steve Austin with Mike Tyson as the less than impartial referee. Tyson actually joined DX on an episode of RAW prior to the PPV so Austin has it all to do in this one. Elsewhere Undertaker fights his own brother Kane for the first time (but not the last). But most attention was placed on the main event.

This PPV will be graded according to the Furious Grading Scale. FGS grades are as follows -

A One of the greatest matches anywhere, ever.
A- Damn near perfect
B+ Excellent
B Very Good
B- Good
C+ Average
C Mediocre
C- Bad
D Terrible
F Hulk Hogan
U or Ungraded = Hacksaw Jim Duggan v Ultimate Warrior v Goldberg in a submissions only Ironman match. My worst nightmare.

We’re in Boston, Massachussets for Wrestlemania, the showcase of the immortals. On the free for all Dok Hendrix and Sunny talk smack about the upcoming show. Michael Coleslaw attempts to interview DX but they won’t let him in. Little bitch. Jerry Lawler interviews Paul Bearer and the lights flicker on and off. Someone bought a dimmer switch. We have video packages for Michaels and Austin – both good. The DX band play a kicking metal version of the national anthem but get booed out of the building. We have another long video package “these men who shunned tradition are now destined to become a part of it”. Cool.

15 team battle royale to determine the number one contenders for the tag team titles

We don’t see all the teams announced just Kama and Faarooq who come out second from last and the returning Legion of Doom who are packaged up as LOD2000 with Sunny who looks hot. Huge “LOD” chant breaks out. I see the Godwinns, the New Midnight Express, the Headbangers, The New Blackjacks, Too Cool, lots of members of DOA and I also see Flash Funk out there. The Nation and Los Boricuas have 2 teams out there. Savio Vega is dumped early so that’s one of the Boricuas teams gone. The big Kurrgan does a run in and he pulls out Sniper and Recon. Barry Windham does a run in and dumps Chainz who’s partnering Bradshaw tonight so they’re gone too. D’Lo Brown is out along with his partner Mark Henry. This is like a really appalling Royal Rumble. Rock and Roll Express are out along with the Nation and Boricuas teams that were left. Headbangers are gone. Mark Henry is still in there for some reason. Bart Gunn dumps Scott Taylor and Too Cool are out. Henry Godwinn is fighting the DOA. Dear God. How sloppy is that? The answer is very. The final 4 teams are LOD, DOA, Godwinns and the New Midnight Express. DOA are dumped to my relief but they come back in and dump the Godwinns. Cheating bikers. LOD are left with the NME. The Godwinns come back in and knock out LOD with steel buckets. Animal comes back with a powerslam off the ropes on Bart. The LOD dump both members of NME at the same time and win at 8.18. Match rating – D. There were always too many people in the ring and to be honest there weren’t many good teams in there either.

WWF Lightheavyweight title – Taka Michinoku (c) v Aguila

Aguila is Essa Rios with a mask and doesn’t even have entrance music. Arm drag, headscissors and a spin kick from Aguila. Aguila moonsaults off the top rope to Taka on the outside. Taka goes back inside and hits a leaping plancha. Taka hits a dropkick to the face of Aguila and gets a two count. Aguila back drops Taka to the floor but comes back in off the top rope and gets arm dragged. Corkscrew wrist lock takedown from Aguila so Taka bails and Aguila hits a corkscrew suicide dive. Back inside Taka misses a twisting moonsault so Aguila hits a great moonsault press for a two count. Great jumping hurracurana from Aguila off the ropes. Missile dropkick from Taka and goes for the finisher but Aguila gets out. Aguila goes for another hurracurana and gets powerbombed. Mahistrol cradle from Aguila for another 2 count. Aguila comes off the ropes and Taka meets him with a dropkick. Michinoku driver and this is over at 5.57. Match rating – B-. Lots of high spots but no real flow.

We cut to an interview between Gennifer Flowers (who screwed Clinton) and The Rock. Rock tells Gennifer the term ‘leader’ is beneath the Rock he’s a ‘ruler’. Rock doesn’t care about the homeless situation. “If the Rock were the jury 9 times out of 10 he’d be a hung jury”. Rock was classic as a heel. Rock cracks a joke about interns. Hehe.

WWF European title – Triple H (c) w/Chyna v Owen Hart

Chyna will be handcuffed to Sgt Slaughter to make sure she doesn’t interfere. Owen kicks off with a double leg and then a back drop. Owen hits a lovely hurracurana (which JR calls correctly). Owen gets knocked outside and Chyna tries to smack him but Sarge won’t let her. Owen goes for a sharpshooter but he rakes the eyes to escape. Trips with a suplex and his curtsey gets booed. Owen eats boot in the corner and Trips gets a long 2 count off a DDT. Trips finally goes after Owen’s injured ankle. We get a close up of Owen and he broke his nose when he ate boot. Trips works the ankle with a stepover toe hold. Owen comes back by crotching Trips on the ring post and he flies off the ropes with the drop kick. Beautiful belly to belly suplex from Owen. Spinning heel kick for a 2 count. Inziguri but Owen hurt his own ankle – psychology rules. Owen goes for the hurracurana but Trips hits a powerbomb for a 2 count. Owen hits a crossbody from the ropes but only gets a 2. Trips goes for the pedigree but Owen counters by grabbing the legs and going straight into a sharpshooter which Trips powers out of. Trips goes for the pedigree again which Owen counters into a backdrop but Trips holds on for a sunset flip which Owen rolls straight through and he pops up into the sharpshooter. Awesome. Trips makes the ropes with the help of Chyna and the crowd voice their displeasure. Chyna throws powder in Sarge’s eyes and she cheap shots Owen with a low blow. Pedigree for the pin at 11.30. Match rating – B+. I really enjoyed the reversals and counters.

Mixed tag – “Marvellous” Marc Mero/Sable v Goldust/Luna Vachon

This is the match with the worst background coming into it. It’s a feud over Sable’s popularity essentially. Mero starts out with a nice headscissors. Goldie can’t hack the pace and tags in Luna. Sable gets the tag too and Luna runs and promptly tags straight out. Mero and Sable exchange tags and Sable belts Goldie with a kick. Mero opens up on Goldie with boxing style punches. Mero levels Goldie with a crossbody but Goldie fights back with a big ass right hand. Mero and Goldie collide in what can only have been something that went wrong. The girls tag in and Sable double legs Luna and wailing on her with rights and martial arts kicks. Sable even punks out Goldust on the apron. Goldie tags in and Sable doesn’t back down. Mero whips Goldie into the steps on the floor. Mero slingshots back into the ring but eats knees. Goldie counters a TKO attempt into a DDT for a 2 count. Goldie goes for the Curtain Call but Mero floats out and hits a million dollar knee lift. Merosault for a 2 count. Mero crotches Goldust on the top rope and hits the superhurracurana. Mero hits the TKO on Goldie but Luna jumps on Mero’s back to break the count. Sable tags in and pins Goldie but Luna comes off the ropes and splashes Goldie by mistake. Sablebomb on Luna but she kicks out. Catfight. Sable counters an Irish whip straight into the TKO and it’s over 9.09. Match rating – B-. I actually liked the match and I think Mero was a lot better than he got credit for.

WWF IC title – The Rock (c) v Ken Shamrock

Out comes J-E-double F, J-A-double R-E-double T. It’s Jeff Jarrett. Ain’t he great. He’s joined by Gennifer Flowers who tells the crowd that she’s had great and Jeff is great. Rock is joined by the Nation and gets a chant of “Rocky sucks”.

Shamrock starts out lightning fast and Rock sells a clothesline half the way up the ramp. If Rock get’s DQ’d he loses the belt. Rock introduces Shamrock to the ring steps. Scoop slam from Rock and he hits the People’s Elbow before it was a finisher, for the 2 count. Shamrock brings in a chair and pushes over the ref so Rocky brains him with the chair. Shamrock kicks out on 2. Shamrock hits a leaping calf kick (like D’Lo) and a powerslam for a 2 count. Ankle Lock. Rock taps out on 4.48. In comes the Nation and Shamrock belly to bellys everyone and goes back to the ankle lock. Faarooq comes out and ignores Rocky. Shamrock refuses to release the hold (the crowd is booing) so the referee reverses his decision and Rock is still the champion. Shamrock belly to bellies 3 referees that had come down to break it up. Match rating – C-. Way too short. The afterwards antics lasted as long. Probably the worst match they had. On an amusing note as they are stretchering Rock out they announce his retention of the title and Shamrock goes to attack him and he’s holding the IC belt aloft as he’s been carried away. Rock was a genius heel.

WWF tag titles/dumpster match – New Age Outlaws (c) v Cactus Jack/Terry Funk

Cactus zings Road Dogg’s head off the dumpster in the early going. RD fires back with a cookie sheet to the nogin of Cactus. Cactus misses a senton off the ring apron and bounces off the side of the dumpster. Ouch. Billy’s nose is busted early and he backdrops Funk into the dumpster. RD russian legsweep’s Cactus head first into the side of the dumpster. Funk and Cactus get the dumpster lids slammed on their heads time and time again. Billy tears off Funk’s shirt and lays in the knife edge chops. Both faces are in the dumpster but Cactus stops the lid coming down with a double mandible claw. Funk pops out with a couple of stiff shots with a cookie sheet. Cactus with a neckbreaker on RD. Funk with a neckbreaker on RD. Cactus hits a cookie sheet elbow off the apron onto Billy. Cactus throws a few toys into the ring and a ladder is in. They set the ladder up to chants of “ECW”. Cactus and Billy fight up the ladder but get pushed off over the top rope and into the dumpster (the lids were shut – ouch). Billy powerbombs Funk into the dumpster off the ring apron but Cactus has escaped out to the back. The Outlaws and Cactus fight backstage. Cactus lays out both Outlaws with a steel chair. Cactus hits a double arm DDT on Billy and lays both Outlaws on a forklift truck which Funk drives and dumps both Outlaws into a dumpster in the back. At 10.00 even Cactus and Funk are the new tag team champions. Match rating – B. Not bad and lots of brutal Cactus Jack stuff.

Undertaker v Kane

This feud has had a really long build up going back about 4/5 months to Kane’s debut but even longer to Bearer’s “murderer” revelations. This is the kind of build up for a match that just doesn’t happen anymore. Pete Rose is the ring announcer and he runs down Boston as a bunch of losers. “Last time I was here we kicked your ass. You can’t win a world series”. Pete Rose is such a heel. Kane comes out and tombstones Rose. Taker comes out to an excellent piece of classical music and druids.

Taker goes for a clothesline but Kane nails one of his own which nearly takes Taker’s head off but Taker just sits back up. Kane ties Taker in the tree of woe but just gives him a beating. Kane suplexes Taker onto the ropes and then drops an elbow off the top turnbuckle on the prone Taker. Taker covers up as Kane pummels him in the corner. Believe it or not Kane hits an electric chair drop on Taker (no it doesn’t look great). Kane works Taker over the ring steps thanks to Paul Bearer’s distraction. Kane suplexes Taker into the ring. Taker gets caught going for the flying clothesline and Kane chokeslams him for a 2 count but breaks the pin to go for more punishment. Kane slaps on a sleeper which Taker fights out of only to walk into a massive clothesline. Kane goes back to a sleeper but Taker dumps Kane onto the apron. Taker big boot’s Kane off the apron and then goes for a suicide dive over the ropes and lands through the Spanish announce table. Holy shit. Bearer tells Kane his brother is dead. Back inside Kane hits a top rope clothesline for a 2 count. Taker goes for the tombstone but Kane reverses into a tombstone of his own which he notices he’ll cripple Taker with so he just powers up Taker about 6 inches to avoid breaking his neck and then tombstones him. Awesome display of strength but it only gets a 2 count. Taker wins a fist fight and hits a chokeslam. Taker botches his tombstone so badly I thought at the time that he’d broken Kane’s neck but Kane still kicks out. Taker hits a glory leg drop and Kane sits up. Tombstone again from Taker and Kane kicks out again. Taker hits the top rope clothesline and Kane sits up again. Another tombstone from the Undertaker and that’s it at 16.58. Match rating – B. Quite entertaining for a big man match.

WWF title – Shawn Michaels (c) v Steve Austin (special enforcer – “Iron” Mike Tyson)

Shawn can barely walk thanks to a career ending back injury. This is his last match. Michaels has Triple H and Chyna at ringside. Austin is alone. Michaels prances a little so Austin gives him the finger. Michaels uses his pace in the early going as he throws a few boxing style jabs. Austin works over the leg of Michaels before he backdrops Michaels over the ropes and into Trips at ringside. Trips belts Austin so the referee boots Trips and Chyna. Austin assaults Trips as he’s leaving so Michaels jumps him. Back in the ring Michaels attempts a double axe handle but catches a fist in the guts. Michaels does a big Flair bump despite his bad back. Michaels works a head lock but Austin stun guns him out of it. Austin nearly gets a stunner so Michaels bails and Austin knocks him off the apron into the front of the announce table which makes a real solid thud. Austin goes to a sleeper but Michaels jawbreakers his way out of it. Michaels goes to wrap Austin’s leg around the ringpost but gets posted himself. Michaels backdrops Austin into the front row and waffles him with the ring bell. Michaels is in agony and whenever he thinks the camera isn’t on him it shows. As soon as he thinks he’s on camera – game face on. Michaels was a pro when he wanted to be. Michaels hurts his own back with a snap mare. Actually everything hurts Michaels back. Austin comes back with a double leg takedown and he throws Michaels over the ropes. Dear God. That must have hurt so much. Michaels wraps Austin’s knee around the ringpost. Michaels works the knee despite hardly being able to reach down to it. Michaels goes for a leg submission but gets posted for a 2 count. Michaels continues to work the knee but is in so much pain it’s amazing it’s gone this long. Austin jaws with Tyson to eat up some time and Michaels wipes his legs out with a chop block. Figure 4 from Michaels with a little help from the ropes. Austin reverses and Michaels fights out only to get catapulted into the ring post. Another 2 count for Austin. Michaels goes to a sleeper and the ref gets squashed as Austin escapes. Michaels takes another couple of back bumps to my amazement including a back body drop. There’s a double collision and Michaels nips up (are you kidding me?). What a showman. Michaels hits a beautiful elbow from the top and signals that it’s all over. Michaels goes for Sweet Chin Music but Austin ducks. Austin goes for the stunner but Michaels counters by shoving him off into the ropes and he goes for the superkick as Austin comes off the ropes. Austin catches the foot, spins Michaels round and hits the stunner. But there’s no referee so Mike Tyson comes in and counts to 3 thus ending Shawn’s career at 20.01. Match rating – B+. I’ve given extra points because of Michaels being injured. Tyson punks out Michaels and puts a 3:16 shirt over his head. Show over.

Best matches –
3. Cactus Jack/Terry Funk v New Age Outlaws. Cactus and Funk took bumps all over the place to put the Outlaws over as heels. The Outlaws joined DX the next night and never looked back.
2. Shawn Michaels v Steve Austin. Shawn’s final match was a long way from his best work but it was great to see the effort Shawn put in to put Austin over.
1. Triple H v Owen Hart. Hidden away in the middle of card was the match with the best psychology and best counters and reversals. Nice stuff and a shame the feud sort of lost it’s heat when Trips went face.

Overall PPV rating –
B-. Nothing on this PPV was really amazing but most of it was very solid and generally it was enjoyable. Trips and Owen put on a great match and I get the feeling that a fit and healthy Shawn Michaels would have made the main event a simply unmissable match.

Repost - WWF Wrestlemania 13

The Furious Flashbacks – Wrestlemania 13

Or Wrestlemania the 13th as the Undertaker called it. Taker was attempting to capture the WWF title from champ Sycho Sid. The other big draw on the card was the match that I personally watched the show for – Bret Hart against Steve Austin although I was disapointed that Bret hadn’t gotten a title shot. Nevertheless it would be an important night for both Austin and Bret. What happened? Stay tuned.

This PPV will be graded according to the Furious Grading Scale. FGS grades are as follows -

A One of the greatest matches anywhere, ever.
A- Damn near perfect
B+ Excellent
B Very Good
B- Good
C+ Average
C Mediocre
C- Bad
D Terrible
F Hulk Hogan
U or Ungraded = Hacksaw Jim Duggan v Ultimate Warrior v Goldberg in a submissions only Ironman match. My worst nightmare.

Welcome to the showcase of the immortals this year from Chicago, Illinois. We get a video package “a tempest engulfs Utopia”. Tonight none of these men are smiling. This is possibly the most pissed off Wrestlemania of all time. Vince McMahon is on commentary with Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

Tag team elimination match – Godwinns w/Hillbilly Jim v Headbangers v New Blackjacks v Doug Furnas/Phil LaFon

Hank Godwinn and Bradshaw start out with a big ass clothesline…from Hank. Thrasher tags in and catches a Bradshaw boot to the face. Bradshaw hits a pumphandle slam and tags in Phinneas. Back drop on Thrasher and Phinneas tags in Mosh. A little moshing action and in comes Phil LaFon. Flapjack from the Bangers. Snap suplex from LaFon so Mosh tags Bradshaw back in and LaFon hits a Japanese suplex. Furnas tags in and wakes the crowd up with a hurracurana on Bradshaw. Windham tags in with power on Furnas. Furnas dropkicks Bradshaw out to the floor and Windham hits a sloppy suplex over the ropes on Furnas and the ref lays the count on them. Bradshaw shoves the referee over and it seems both teams have been counted out. Jesus who booked this crap? Hank slams Phinneas onto Thrasher in the ring for a 2 count. Phinneas with a vertical suplex on Thrasher. Hank tags in and I can’t help but think the WWF was a little remiss in booting the only team that managed to pop the crowd (Furnas and LaFon). Thrasher and Phinneas exchange spit (not by kissing, urgh). Mosh hits the Jericho jump from the second rope to the floor and then throws Thrasher onto Hank on the floor in a rocket launcher type move. Thrasher misses a moonsault on Hank. Thrasher hits some sort of top rope chest splash on Phinneas and amazingly enough wins with it at 10.41. Match rating – D. Just appalling action.

Honky Tonk Man comes out for some reason (possibly because the WWF thought he was over – a mistake).

WWF IC title - Rocky Maivia (c) v The Sultan w/Bob Backlund/Iron Shiek

The Rock is green and only made his debut 4 months earlier and is already IC champ. Sultan’s fireworks pre-match are the most feeble I’ve ever seen. Rock hits a drop kick in the early going when that was a part of his offence. Rocky clotheslines the ring post by mistake while Honky Tonk Man screams at him for the rookie error. Sultan goes to a nerve hold. Zzz. Big nasty looking backbreaker on Rock. Head butt from the top from Sultan. Belly to belly slam from Sultan. Honky says that the match should have been over 5 minutes ago at 5.01. That’s impossible Honky. Sultan goes to the sleeper but Rock fights out and we have a double clothesline and the count is on. Rock actually starts a no sell defence and hits a Rocky Johnson like drop kick. Rock with a belly to belly slam which gets a 2 count. Rock floats over into a DDT and Rock climbs the turnbuckles with a top rope crossbody. Shiek distracts the ref or it was 3. Sultan pops back up with a superkick. Sultan spikes Rock with a piledriver but Rock kicks out. Rock rolls Sultan up and pins at 9.49. Match rating – C-. Bad, bad showing from Rock. He looked very green and wrestling Rikishi didn’t help. Sultan, Shiek and Backlund give Rock a good shoeing after the match so Rocky Johnson comes in and we have some action a little past it’s sell by date.

Triple H v Goldust

Trips has Chyna is his corner and Goldie has Marlena in his corner. Trips has what I like to call his “Die Hard music”. Goldie starts out fast and just mauls Trips in the early going. Trips gets tied up in the ropes and Goldie punches him in the face a few times. Goldie smacks Trips head off the ringpost and clotheslines him back into the ring. Trips comes back with a facebuster but Goldie catches the follow up off the ropes with a powerslam. Trips catches Goldie climbing the buckles and goes for a superplex which is countered so Trips pushes Goldie off and his head zings off the apron. Trips hits a top rope fist (which actually looks good) and scores a two count. Trips exposes the chest of Goldust and chops at it before stomping him again and again in the corner. Trips with a swinging neckbreaker and a 2 count. Trips goes to the abdominal stretch to wear Goldust down which of course he cheats on by using the ropes. Goldust hip tosses Trips out but Trips hits a high knee for a 2 count. Trips with a suplex on Goldust. Goldust fights back but Trips hits a DDT. Goldie gets a backslide for a 2 count and then a small package for another. Both men are tired and they take advantage of a collision to rest. Trips comes off the top rope and Goldie hits a thump with his ass. Goldie moves out of the way as Trips charges him in the corner and Trips hits the buckle. Goldie with a bulldog for a 2 count. Goldust goes for the curtain call but Trips floats over and sets up the pedigree. Goldie drops out and slingshots Trips. He goes for the curtain call again but is distracted by Chyna advancing on Marlena. He puts Marlena up onto the apron but Trips nails Goldust in the back and Chyna catches Marlena and throws her around like a freaking rag doll. Trips hits the pedigree and it’s over at 14.07. B-. Not as good as their match at the Rumble the same year but reasonable.

WWF tag titles – British Bulldog/Owen Hart v Vader/Mankind

This was right after Owen pushed a waiter into Vader at the Slammys. Owen was comedy. Vader starts off hard and heavy pummelling Owen in the corner. Owen comes back fast with a spinning heel kick to take over Vader. Owen goes for a hurracurana and Vader hits the powerbomb and has it won but doesn’t cover because he’s going for the Vaderbomb. Bulldog breaks it up and Mankind comes in. Bulldog shows his incredible power with a double clothesline on Mankind and Vader. Bulldog with a vertical suplex on Mankind and Vader runs in so Bulldog suplexes him too. Mankind goes after Bulldog with the urn but Bulldog hits a drop toe hold onto the urn. Vader goes after the urn though and blindsides Bulldog. Vader with a Bret like snap suplex on Bulldog. Vader follows up with an avalanche. Vader splashes Bulldog off the second rope but Bulldog kicks out. Mankind tags in. Mankind with a guillotine leg drop. Back drop from Mankind. Mankind and Vader have isolated Bulldog. Bulldog comes back with a slam off the ropes as Vader tries for another splash. Owen tags in with a missile drop kick. Owen goes for a sunset flip but Vader sits down and misses. Owen with a crossbody from the top for a 2 count but when he gets up Vader levels him. Vader does a Hogan ‘listening’ taunt and tags out to Mankind. Vader sets up Owen over his knee on the floor and Mankind comes off the apron with an elbow. Owen reverses a Mankind neckbreaker straight into a DDT. Wonderful stuff. Owen with a spinning heel kick which gets him a 2 count. Vader comes in and Owen hits him with a heel kick though. Vader tags Mankind back in and Owen is getting a bit isolated. Owen hits a belly to belly on Mankind on the floor. Helen and Stu Hart are at ringside. Back inside Owen hits the inziguri on Mankind. Bulldog gets the tag and cleans house.Vader has lost his mask. Mankind takes the ringpost in the head. Bulldog goes for the running powerslam but Mankind puts on the mandible claw. They both spill out through the ropes and it looks like they landed on their heads but Mankind still has the mandible claw on and everyone is counted out at 15.53. Match rating – B-. Pretty good.

Submissions match - Bret Hart v Steve Austin (special referee – Ken Shamrock)

This is the match where Austin has his “AUSTIN 3:16” glass smash in the entranceway. Austin is over before the match starts despite being a heel. Austin double legs Bret before the bell. The brawl goes straight outside and Bret shoves Austin into the ringpost skull first. Austin crotches Bret on the guard rail and Austin clotheslines Bret into the Hall of Famer’s at ringside. That gets a “Fugettaboutit” from Vince. They fight through the crowd and Shamrock follows to keep the fans at bay. Austin gets backdropped out in the fans and on some steps. They get back into ringside and Bret comes off the guard rail. Austin whips Bret into the ring steps to a huge pop. Austin comes off the apron with a right hand and the crowd is going nuts. Austin picks up the ring steps and Bret kicks him in the guts. Bret wails on Austin so Austin pulls him into the ringpost. They finally get back into the ring and Austin stamps on Bret’s fingers. Bret nails a swinging neckbreaker. Classic Bret. Elbow off the second rope. Vince is really running down Bret on commentary but JR sticks up for Bret. Bret goes to work on the injured knee of Austin. Austin gets out of the way of a Bret attack on the leg and hits the stunner but he can’t pin him it’s a submission match. Bret goes straight after the knee again and Austin is selling it well. Bret puts on the figure 4 around the ringpost. Cool. That was the first time he used it. Bret grabs the ring bell and a chair. Bret puts it on Austin’s ankle (Austin broke Pillman’s ankle that way) and the crowd goes nuts. Bret takes too long on the ropes and Austin nails Bret with the chair. Cool spot. Austin hits a suplex and a second rope elbow. Austin hits a kick into the groin. Austin with a russian legsweep (he’s stealing all Bret’s moves) but he follows through into an Octopus stretch. Nice. Austin puts Bret in a Boston crab to a big pop. Austin goes for the sharpshooter. Psychology rules. Bret of course gets out of it. They spill outside and Austin gets reversed on the Irish whip and goes through the timekeepers table and into the guard rail head first. Austin is busted. I didn’t see a blade job. Bret introduces Austin to the ringpost. Austin is bleeding all over the ring and the crowd goes nuts for the blood. Bret mounts him with punches to the busted head. Backbreaker from Bret. Elbow from the second rope and Bret gets the chair. Chair to the injured knee. Bret goes for the sharpshooter but Austin rakes the eyes. Austin hits a blatant low blow to stop getting a beating and Vince runs down Bret again. Austin is back up. Bret takes a chest first turnbuckle. Austin stomping a mudhole and walking it dry. Finger from Austin and this is so over. Superplex from Austin. Austin comes outside and gets a length of electrical cord. Austin chokes Bret but Bret grabs the ring bell and dings Austin with it. Awesome. Sharpshooter is on! We get the now famous close up of Austin bleeding while trying to power out. Austin manages to break the hold but Bret slaps it straight back on and Austin is out from the pain. Match over at 22.05. Match rating – A but its not over yet. Bret is getting popped for the win so he attacks Austin after the match. Bret gets booed and Shamrock takes him down. Bret backs off from the fight with Shamrock and the crowd boos some more. Austin struggles to his feet and stunners a ref who came down to help him. Huge round of applause for Austin and he was on his way to being the most over guy in history.

Bret gets a little upset with a fan on the way out and stops to tell him “fuck you” while giving him the finger. Bret was so set up for his heel turn the next night and it put Austin over as well. Awesome stuff.

Ahmed Johnson/Legion of Doom v Nation of Domination (Faarooq/Crush/Savio Vega)

This is a street fight and everything goes. D’Lo and the nation’s rappers (PG-13) and Clarence Mason get their asses kicked by the LOD. Faarooq takes a night stick to Animal. Ahmed sommersaults over the guard rail and wipes out Crush. Animal is trash canning everything in sight. Animal makes an absolute mess of a piledriver on the announce table. A fire extinguisher goes off at Faarooq and there is a cloud of gas at ringside. The cameras are struggling to follow the action in this one. Ahmed powerslams Faarooq through the French announce table. Monitors come raining down onto Faarooq. Savio brings in a length of rope and chokes Ahmed. D’Lo grabs the rope and chokes Ahmed over the ropes. Animal waffles Faarooq with a sign from the parking garage. Faarooq tries to hang Hawk but Hawk pulls him off the top rope. Doomsday Device on Crush. 2x4 clothesline on Crush and he’s pinned at 10.49. Match rating – B-. Decent hardcore style brawl. In a cool spot after the match Hawk hits a double Doomsday Device on PG-13.

WWF title – Sid (c) v Undertaker

Shawn Michaels comes out to commentate on the title match. Michaels always made an excellent commentator. Bret Hart comes out at the start and runs down all the participants – he calls Michaels a faker, Sid a fraud and claims his friendship with Taker is over. Sid gets pissed off and powerbombs Bret. Taker starts out fast with a load of right hands and a scoop slam for a 2 count. Top rope walk of doom from Taker. Taker goes for a stinger splash but Sid slaps on a bearhug. Yep, Sid puts on a rest hold after less than 2 minutes. 2 minutes later and the bearhug is broken. Yep, more bearhug than match thus far. Taker gets thrown into the Spanish announce table and Michaels says “I never want to sit at that table”. He’s the only reason to watch this match. Taker slams Sid onto the Spanish announce table and according to JR we’re on the set of “Twister”. Whatever. “So far tonight the loser has been the tables of the World Wrestling Federation” – Michaels. Sid goes to a camel clutch because he’s run out of ideas again. Taker rallies back but Sid hits a powerslam for a 2 count. After a little action on the floor Sid goes to the reverse chinlock. Man, Sid really has broken out the restholds tonight. Taker fires back and hits a powerslam. Nerve hold from Taker. Sid fights out and we have a double big boot. Sid mounts the buckles and hits a double axe handle and a second one but misses a third. Sid goes to the ropes again and gets caught again. Taker throws Sid to the canvas. Taker with his top rope clothesline. Sid squirms out of a tombstone and reverses for a tombstone of his own which Taker kicks out of. Bret does a run in and smacks a steel chair off Sid’s back. Shawn complains about Bret wanting the spotlight. “That’s a pot calling the kettle black” – King. Back inside Taker hits a chokeslam which Sid kicks out of the pin of. Taker, bizarrely, misses his flying clothesline. Sid goes for the powerbomb and Bret is out again so Sid nails him. Tombstone. This is over at 21.19. Match rating – C. Really mediocre. Lots of rest holds and needed Michaels and Bret Hart in some capacity to make it remotely interesting.

Best matches –
3. Triple H v Goldust. Their second match at major PPV’s and it’s not as good as the first but it’s still pretty reasonable and the Chyna dimension is explored as part of the match.
2. Bulldog/Owen v Vader/Mankind. Decent tag title match which might have reached classic preportions had it been allowed some sort of finish.
1. Bret Hart v Steve Austin. Just an awesome display of wrestling, brawling and psychology. Also the match that made Bret a heel and more importantly perhaps made Austin the biggest face since Hogan.

Overall PPV rating –
C+. An awesome Bret-Austin match was the only exceptional highlight as the other 2 of the top 3 were either riddled with interference or a non-finish. The first 2 matches are unforgivebly poor and half of the guys involved shouldn’t have been on PPV. The trash can brawl worked well as a sandwich between the submissions match and the main event but the main event was appalling. 20 minutes of rest holds.

Repost - WWF Wrestlemania 12

The Furious Flashbacks – Wrestlemania 12

In 1996 the WWF was running really short on big name stars. For WM12 they brought back the Ultimate Warrior (way after he could go) for example. So to counter their lack of talent they put their 2 best wrestlers in the main event in an Iron Man match – one hour. One hour of Bret Hart against Shawn Michaels. You can stop drooling now. On the undercard we had Undertaker against Diesel for the only time in history, Warrior and Roddy Piper against Goldust (again Piper brought back because the WWF had no stars).

This PPV will be graded according to the Furious Grading Scale. FGS grades are as follows -

A One of the greatest matches anywhere, ever.
A- Damn near perfect
B+ Excellent
B Very Good
B- Good
C+ Average
C Mediocre
C- Bad
D Terrible
F Hulk Hogan
U or Ungraded = Hacksaw Jim Duggan v Ultimate Warrior v Goldberg in a submissions only Ironman match. My worst nightmare.

WWF tag titles – The Godwinns (c) v The Body Donnas w/Sunny

This is on the free for all. That’s how important the tag titles were in 1996. Both teams suck. The Godwinns bring a goat to the ring and the Donnas bring a crack whore. Hank demonstrates some early power by press slamming both Donnas. Phinneas gets a bit upset and throws one of his “fits”. They execute a nice move where Hank slingshots Skip over the top ropes and he lands on Zip who’s on the floor. Skip fails to slam Hank (blown spot anyone?) With Hank down Skip slams Zip straight into a leg drop on him. Excellent. The Donnas then execute a rocket launcher but Skip misses with the headbutt. I forgot how good the Donnas were. Shame about the gimmick. Phinneas goes for a slop drop but Sunny jumps on the apron and shows Phinneas her ass (is there anyone out there who hasn’t seen Sunny’s ass) so he gets rolled up like a chump. The Donnas win it and the belts at 5.23. Match rating – C. Short but the Donnas did some entertaining stuff.

The WWF puts on a Nacho Man v Huckster match to spoof former stars Macho Man Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan. They fast forward Hogan’s entrance because he’s so slow. King falls asleep during the match. Gene Okerlund and Ted Turner help Huckster to remove his shirt. The match ends as draw. They didn’t put this on in front of the live Wrestlemania audience.

On the free for all they do some awesome video packages of Shawn Michaels with Jose Lothario and Bret Hart training with Stu Hart. Bret talks about how he thought Savage was really good and one day he was better than Savage. He talks about Shawn being the man who will take his place but he’s not ready to go yet.

Into the event itself we’re in Anaheim, California for Wrestlemania 12. Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler are on commentary. They hype all the matches apart from the opener.

Vader/British Bulldog/Owen Hart v Yoko Zuna/Ahmed Johnson/Jake Roberts

The heel team is managed by James Cornette. If the faces win Yoko gets 5 minutes with Jimmy. Vader and Yoko start out to big heat. Yoko dumps him over the ropes and the faces have cleared the ring. Ahmed does a Yoko assisted pescado onto Vader. Owen tags in but Yoko ignores his offence. Owen and Bulldog double team Yoko and Vader tags back in. Vader hammers Yoko in the corner. Yoko comes back with a Rock Bottom and tags out to Ahmed while Bulldog tags in. Ahmed with a big powerslam but Vader blindsides Ahmed. Ahmed goes for the Pearl River Plunge but Owen snipers him with a drop kick off the ropes. Owen rules. Inziguri on Ahmed. Jake tags in, hits a short arm clothesline and calls for the DDT but Owen grabs the ropes and blocks it. Vader tags in and hits an avalanche on Jake. Owen tags in with an elbow from the top which gets a 2 count. Owen goes to a bizarre submission hold (kind of a stretch of the arms with the leg over the shoulder). Bulldog tags in with the running powerslam but Jake kicks out. Yoko and Vader are back in and Yoko pummels Vader in the corner. Samoan drop on Bulldog. Jake comes in and hits the DDT on Owen. Vader blindsides him and hits the Vaderbomb. 13.09 and it’s all over. Match rating – C+. Some decent spots but too much Vader and Yoko.

Hollywood Backlot Brawl – Goldust v Roddy Piper

Goldust turns up in a gold car which Piper beats the crap out of with a baseball bat. Goldust gets out of the car and Piper chokes him with the bat. Trash can to the head. Goldie gets introduced to a dumpster head first. Piper turns on a hose and soaks Goldust. Piper smacks Goldie in the head with a couple of stiff right hands. How stiff? He’s opened up his own hand. Goldust hits a low blow and gets into the car. Goldust runs Piper over in the car. Sweet. Apparently it was Piper although everyone claims it’s a stunt double it does look like Piper. Piper gets into his car and gives chase. The rest of the show is interspersed with shots from the chase that are actually shots from the OJ Simpson pursuit in the bronco. Match time – 4.25. But it’s not over yet so I’ll add that time onto the bit later on where it finishes.

Stonecold Steve Austin w/Ted DiBiase v ‘Latin Sensation’ Savio Vega

Austin has just grown his beard and looks like ‘classic’ Austin. Vega hits a couple of big ass chops in the early going and a sidewalk slam for a 2 count. Austin rams Vega shoulder first into the ringpost to get back into it. We get Piper on a cell phone “If he thinks this is over he’s 10 different kinds of wrong”. Back in the ring Vega hits a clothesline but hurts his own arm in the process so Austin goes into an armbar of sorts. Hammerlock and Austin slams Vega right on his arm. Vega gets a 2 count from a crossbody. Lou Thesz press from Austin with right hands and the referee starts counting. Oops. Vega hooks Austin’s arms with his legs and scores a 2 count. Austin reverses into a roll up for another 2 count which Vega flips out of into another 2 count. They fight over a backslide but Vega sells his injured arm again. I didn’t realise Vega was so able in ring skills. Austin gets caught running in with a heel kick. Vega goes for a splash but Austin gets his knees up. Small package gets another 2 for Vega. Austin actually comes off the top rope but Vega gets his foot up and Austin eats foot. Austin is taking massive back bumps in this match. Bigger than I remember him ever taking. Vega hits another big ass chop which gets the first “fugettaboutit” from Vince. Vega misses a spinning heel kick on Austin and he knocks the ref out. DiBiase distracts Vega and Austin nails him with the Million Dollar belt. Austin slaps on the Million Dollar Dream to make it look like he had it on all the time. DiBiase wakes the ref up and Austin wins by submission at 10.07. Match rating – B. Good stuff from Austin but I was more impressed with the way Vega sold the arm injury.

Diesel is interviewed by Mr Perfect “I’ll take cool of this” – Diesel. Mic skills? What mic skills?

Triple H v Ultimate Warrior

Trips is accompanied by Sable before her whole Mero escapade and their feud which began just after this. Trips is unfortunately jobber fodder in this one. King tells us Warrior weighs in at 400lbs and has shaved his head which isn’t exactly true. Trips starts out quick catches Warrior unaware. He hits the pedigree after 20 seconds or so and Warrior completely no sells Triple H’s finisher. Some crappy Warrior offence which is aided slightly by some exaggerated Triple H selling. Gorilla press drop and splash from Warrior and it’s over at 1.40. Match rating – F. Warrior sucks. Warrior is possibly the most over rated wrestler in the entire history of the business.

Backstage we’re introduced to the Wildman Marc Mero and Pettengill pronounces his name wrong. Mero is excited. He gets into a shoving match with Trips and they’re fighting. Mero would feud with Trips for a while afterwards.

Undertaker v Diesel

This is the only time the 2 best big men in the business (not my words) faced each other. The mics pick up Diesel talking “I’m the shits I’m telling ya”. The “shit” maybe. Diesel could actually move about quite well back in 1996 and his selling didn’t completely suck but that’s probably not enough to save this. It’s a brawl and Taker introduces Diesel to the ringpost. Taker looks for an early tombstone which Diesel gets out of. Taker hits a crossbody for a 2 count. Top rope walk of doom and Diesel doesn’t go over. Diesel gets sent spine first into the ringpost and Taker narrowily misses with a chair shot. Diesel puts Taker spine first into the post as a receipt. Diesel goes into the ring and taunts only to be met with a chorus of boos. Back inside Diesel hits the big boot. Sidewalk slam from Diesel and he only has one more move to do. Double big boot and both men are down. Diesel goes for the bearhug. It ends up as a side headlock which Taker suplexes Diesel out of. Taker comes off the ropes with a flying clothesline. Taker sets for a back body drop but Diesel powerbombs him. Diesel show boats and leans on the ropes instead of pinning. Another Jack Knife powerbomb and Diesel smiles at the crowd and mocks Paul Bearer but he really should have pinned there. Diesel goes to pin and Taker grabs him by the throat. Diesel breaks the choke and side suplexes him. Hey, Nash doesn’t know that move! I’ll have to call him a 4 move wonder. Flying clothesline from Taker. Sloppy looking chokeslam. Tombstone piledriver. 1-2-3. Match time – 16.49. Match rating – C+. Sluggish but not appalling there was enough interesting stuff going on to get the rating up.

Goldust v Roddy Piper continued

Out back Goldust and Piper have arrived back at the Pond. I start the timer as Piper gets back into the building. Diesel walks past the camera in the back looking pissed off. Goldust begs off and Piper runs him down into the ring. Goldie actually starts working the leg in a match that thus far has been devoid of any such thing. Goldie hits a low blow and this is about as over as Goldust got. Goldie rips off Piper’s shirt and chokes him with it. Goldie wraps Piper’s knee around the ringpost. Piper crotches Goldust on the ropes but Goldust kisses Piper. What? Oh now you pissed him off. Piper goes downstairs with a testicular claw and a knee to the crotch. Goldust has his suit stripped off to reveal womens underwear including stocking and suspenders. Another low blow and Goldust is done at 6.48 + 4.25 = 10.73 Match rating – D. Really bad. Any match where working the genitals is considered psychology cannot be good.

WWF title – Bret Hart (c) v Shawn Michaels w/Jose “Supersoc” Lothario (Iron Man match)

“One man’s sunset is another man’s dawn” – Bret Hart. Awesome promo. Shawn is up in the rafters before the match and he slides into the ring on a rope and pulley. Cool. Well I say the ring he touches down in the Clique. Bret isn’t as over as Shawn but he didn’t get such a cool entrance. He does get some pyro though. Shawn is applauding Bret before the match. You got to be kidding me. Earl Hebner gives out the referee instructions in the same style that they do at boxing world title matches. Nice touch. They should have signed UFC referee John McCarthy to do it though. Bret gives his shades to his son Blade Hart.

They start off with some lovely wrestling. Shawn with a waist lock takeover which Bret reverses into his own waistlock and Shawn fights his way out. Bret goes to a headlock but Shawn gets out of it. Shawn with an arm ringer which Bret reverses into a headlock and takes Shawn over but Shawn can’t get out like he did the last time because Bret’s learned. Bret gets a 2 off the headlock. Shawn rolls through with the headlock and picks up a 2 count also. Shawn fights out and hits an arm drag but Bret goes back to the headlock. Shawn goes for the headscissors and gets out so Bret goes back to the headlock. Shawn goes the headscissors again and Bret leans forward to avoid it. Awesome. They fight over a wristlock but Shawn wins it with a leg trip. Bret goes straight into a front face lock. Back into the headlock and Shawn gets another count from the roll through but this time only gets a 1 count. Shawn with a pair of armdrags and he goes to an arm lock. Shawn starts dropping knees into the arm. Bret tries to arm drag out of the arm lock but Shawn holds on. Drop toe hold from Bret and he rides Shawn but Shawn comes out sideways and straight into the hammerlock. Shawn stretches Bret the exact same way that Stu Hart had been in the packages they’d been running as preparation for this event. They go into the corner and Bret takes the first cheap shot to heat but then Shawn comes back with his own shots. Bret gets caught in tjhe corner and headscissored through the ropes to the floor at the 10 minute mark.

Shawn with a fireman carry takeover and he works the armlock again. Bret throws Shawn over the ropes but Shawn skins the cat back in and goes straight back to an armbar. This time a version of the Fujiwara armbar. Bret with a headbutt to the abdominal area and follows up with a leg drop. Bret with a reverse chinlock. Shawn jawbreakers his way out. Shawn hits a leg drop as a receipt for the Bret one. Fujiwara armbar from Shawn. Bret manages to turn himself over and powers up. Bret hits a spinebuster and he goes for the sharpshooter but Shawn makes the ropes. Bret dumps Shawn over the ropes with a clothesline to huge heat. Shawn posts Bret on the floor. Shawn goes for a superkick but accidentally nails the timekeeper in the face. Back inside Bret goes to the reverse chinlock again. Shawn armdrags out and follows in with a clothesline. Bret with his own hooking clothesline as a receipt and back to the chinlock. Shawn goes for a roll up but misses so he hits a drop kick and an armdrag and holds on for the armlock. We’re now at the 20 minute mark with Shawn dropping knees into the arm and stretching it out into his own armbar.

Bret stands up out of the hold and goes to step on Shawn’s face but Shawn sends him back down. Bret rolls out of it and straight into the headlock. Wicked. Shawn reverses straight into the hammerlock. Awesome mat wrestling. Bret stands up and backs Shawn into the corner and hits a pair of stiff elbows. Bret is stiffing Shawn badly at this point. Shawn throws Bret shoulder first into the ringpost and wraps his arm around the post. Shawn connects with a measured shoulderbreaker. Double axe handle from the top onto the shoulder. Hammerlock into a slam from Shawn. Shawn then rams him shoulder first into the top turnbuckle. I just caught Shawn spitting on Bret. The feud has begun. Bret strikes Shawn in the face to break out of an armlock and Shawn fires back with a jumping armbreaker. Armbar from Shawn. Shawn has been working the body part excellently. Bret turns the leverage over and stamps on Shawn’s face. Shawn levels a few elbows in the corner as a receipt for the earlier elbows. Another version of an armlock from Shawn. Bret fights out and hot shots Shawn onto the second rope. This match is getting really stiff. Bret gives Shawn a slingshot into the ringpost. Shawn kicks out at 2 and a half. Bret goes to ram Shawn’s head into the turnbuckle but Shawn reverses. Shawn goes for it again and Bret reverses sending Shawn’s head into the ringpost again. Inverted atomic drop and a clothesline for a 2 count. Bulldog from Bret. Bret goes up top and drives the knee into the back of a standing Shawn’s head at the 30 minute mark. Ivan Koloff’s finishing move incidentally.

Michaels hits a powerslam for a 2 count. Bret hits an awesome piledriver for another 2 count and the crowd boos. See, there are Bret fans. Bret goes to the ropes again and Shawn rocket launches him off. Shawn with a roll up and right hands (ala Lou Thesz). Backbreaker from Shawn (he’s stealing Bret’s moves). Bret bails to avoid Shawn’s superkick and gets a shit load of heat. Shawn hits a plancha to the floor. A huge plancha. Shawn goes for a crosbody from the top and Bret rolls through for a 2 count. They fight over a backslide but Shawn pops over and rolls up for a 2 count. Shawn hits a perfectplex for another 2 count. Shawn goes to the sleeper. Bret breaks out in the corner but Shawn goes back to it. Bret goes for the same escape but Shawn moves and Bret drives himself back of head first into the turnbuckles. Awesome receipt. Shawn whips Bret into the buckles and follows up but Bret back drops him over the top to the floor. Holy shit. Bret slams Shawn back first into the ring post. Bret is now working the back with headbutts and and irish whip into the corner. Elbow from the second turnbuckle into the back. Backbreaker from Bret. Knee to the back at the 40 minute mark.

Bret stomps Shawn’s back. Then he does his ‘working the knee rope move’ as a banzai drop into the spine. Shawn takes a Flair corner bump so Bret sidesuperplexes him for a 2 count (stiff as hell I might add). Bret with a camel clutch. Sunset flip gets Shawn a 2 count. Bret goes straight back to the back. Shawn comes off the ropes and eats fist. Side Russian legsweep for a 2 count. Shawn takes a huge Flair bump to the floor and he catches Supersoc on the way down. Sweet. Bret’s laughing and he whips Shawn into Jose on the outside and also the steel steps. Bret jaws with Jose and goes back inside. Belly to belly suplex scores another 2 for Bret. A fist fight breaks out and we have some stiff looking punches. Bret goes for a suplex but Shawn does his roll up off the ropes that was blocked earlier in the match for a 2 count. Bret kicks out so hard Shawn goes out to the floor. Bret follows up with a suicide dive through the ropes (tope I believe it’s called). Bret goes to suplex Shawn back in but Shawn floats over into a waistlock. Reversal of the waistlock from Bret and a German suplex for a 2 count. Perfect bridge. More stiff punches. Bret kicks Shawn in the face. Now you know why they hate each other. Bret goes back to the camel clutch at 50 minutes.

Shawn fights his way out after 2 minutes in it and a double clothesline puts both men down. Bret with a superplex from all the way up the top. Shawn fights his way out of a sharpshooter attempt. Single leg Boston crab from Bret. Shawn makes the ropes but Bret is very slow breaking the hold. Backbreaker again from Bret. Bret gets caught coming off the ropes and Shawn kicked him right in the face. Drop kick from Shawn – right in the face. Bret takes a big front turnbuckle. Shawn with the flying forearm and Shawn nips up. Woah. Flying back elbow from Shawn. Scoop slam. Double axe handle gets a 2 count. Suplex. Shawn is getting heat now. Top rope elbow drop for another 2 count. Gutwrench tigerbomb from Shawn. Moonsault press for a 2 count. Shawn hits a hurracurana off the ropes for a 2 count. Scoop slam with a minute to go. Shawn comes off the top looking for a double feet first drop kick and Bret catches him – SHARPSHOOTER! The sharpshooter is applied with seconds to go. Shawn holds on for 30 seconds while the crowd goes absolutely nuts. Bret keeps the belt. Or does he? Gorilla Monsoon comes in and tells the crowd there has to be a winner and we have sudden death overtime.

Bret asks “Why” on his way back to ring. Bret throws the title down – symbolism rules. Bret goes straight back to Shawn’s back. He drives knees into the spine. Huge back drop from Bret. There’s the backbreaker again. Out of nowhere Shawn hits a superkick and Bret is dazed. Shawn scores Sweet Chin Music and it’s over at 63.58. Match rating – A. If I had a higher score I would probably give it. There are those who are critical of the first 30 minutes of headlocks and armlocks but there is so much subtlety in those first 30 that the second more explosive 30 are made even more sensational. Awesome, awesome match.

Best matches –
3. Undertaker v Diesel. I think this is a demonstration as to how poor the undercard was.
2. Steve Austin v Savio Vega. Some great psychology from, to my surprise, Savio.
1. Shawn Michaels v Bret Hart. Probably the best WWF title match of all time. It made Shawn Michaels a legend. What else can I say?

Overall PPV rating –
C+. The poor nature of the undercard really brought the overall PPV rating down but I honestly believe there may never be a better World Wrestling Federation title match than the one that Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart put on in Anaheim in 1996.